Learning to protect yourself, learn to develop power so you don't NEED to prove yourself to fools and morons who "challenge you" in some way. Learning to do these things... I have hurt others and myself. Thankfully not seriously. I learned in that process in FIGHTING someone gets hurt... do not want it to be me... want to avoid either at every possible opportunity

Have you told your instructor your feelings this directly? Learn to fight, then go fight elsewhere... its a bad attitude to have but married, kids, have no more need to fight others, if I ever did so. Enjoy the struggle, but want to keep my own blood thanks....

Fighting is the wrong goal IMV-fwiw, though some have that bloodlust and need to wrestle with it.