Being a buddhist, I meditate everyday for around 10-20 minutes.
These last 3 weeks have been disturbing for me. I'm constantly in a wrestle with my 'inner demons'. It's not like I see demons or something, but it's more to do with my thoughts, lust and cravings (no, not pizza and cheese).
I think I'll start with a little background story. Well, since December, I've been living with a high-school friend trying to teach him some university subjects, well he lives in another person's house at that time, and she had a boyfriend. I'll refer him as 'Mark' from now on.
Anyway, during that period (dec-jan 14) wasn't the best time in my life. Not only was I unable to train in martial arts like I wanted to, but I had to keep a low profile as I was living in his house (which I hated).
After 2 weeks or so, Mark found out that I do martial arts. That was the beginning. At that time I was out-of-shape, I hadn't been training for 3 months, and living in his house I refused to show off any skills. But anyway, he kept talking about MA. He had some very interesting opinions about martial arts. He said it was 'gay', that there is no 'sportsmanship' and MA is for girls. He also added the opinion that 'real' men does professional wrestling and boxing.
I didn't give him my views since, I was living in his house, but afterwards, he kept insulting me. Don't really know why. For instance this one occassion, I walked into the house since I went out for lunch. As I was strolling in, he tried to do a spinning kicked which looked pathetic. I asked him "You can't kick?", and he replied "No, but you can't either". I told him "Err.. I can kick" and he then replied again "maybe, but you're slow". Last time I sparred, I was able to kick faster than my opponent's jab. Not boasting, but just trying to say that he's quite wrong.
Anyway, I had to spend 2 months of him bashing me and martial arts. Since I have good manners and don't talk back, he's gotten quite confident that he's able to beat martial artists. He does bodybuilding (the one you work for looks, not functional strength) and keeps advertising stuff like he's able to punch so hard, and his upper body is very effective and stuff like that.
So when I finally left the house, I still had him on msn. So not living in his house, I had on myspace a little info that said I have 1st dan in both jujutsu and kickboxing. I also said that both are good fitness and self-defense. What do I get? He calls me a fake and 'phoney' and that you can't do MA and fitness together.
Suffice to say, I didn't argue as I knew, if I did show him my certificates he'd probably say it was fake. I can't really blame him, most normal MA people don't look like the guys in UFC or Pride. Anyway, I cut off contact as it wasn't really in my interest to have a flaming with an ignorant [censored]. So after I cut him off, he's been talking to a lot of his friends and some of them have branded me a liar, thanks to him. I also don't have a good understanding of the girl I'm trying to date now because he secretly added her on msn, and have been talking [censored] behind my back.
So fast forward to now, and I'm having trouble sleeping. Everytime I meditate those events just pop into my head. Everytime I close my eyes I hear his voice calling MA gay and only gay people do them.
It's eating away from the inside. Everytime I workout, everytime I hit the bag, his words gets into my skull. When I sit infront of the computer it just gets me.
I don't know. I need to get this 'demon' out of my head. I'm a buddhist but I didn't learn philosophical stuff like how to get rid of thoughts and the like.
I also feel if I go 'Rocky' on him and challenge him to a fight, it would be against all that I've been taught. 'Defend the weak' not 'hurt the weak'. Although he's in good shape, I know exactly what will happen when he gets on the tatami.
I need help to get rid of these 'demons'. It's getting frustrating. I can't even have a good night sleep without him getting into my head. Meditating just amplifies these thoughts, and yes, I've woken up at night and start hitting the bag in the middle of the night in near total darkness.
This post is kind of weird for a mod, but like you I'm human, and sometimes I get frustrated and need help.
The reason I decided to share with you guys on the board is because, I don't know where to start. The psych said it'll go over, and honestly, I wanted to jab him right on the nose after 2 weeks of spending money on that guy. He hasn't helped a [censored] with this condition.
This might not sound very medition/philosophy oriented but trust me, it's got all to do about it.
So what should I do?
I got two fists.. Don't make me use my head as well!