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#418490 - 04/24/09 01:37 AM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
drgndrew Offline
< a god, > a man.

Registered: 01/09/05
Posts: 599
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia

Are you happy? Warning signs quiz/alarm clock

Our relationships and families should provide us with the things we all need: like love, being cared for, support and safety. But sometimes this is not our experience…

Does your partner, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your friend, your carer, or a family member:

• make you feel uncomfortable or afraid?
• often put you down, humiliate you, or make you feel worthless?
• constantly check up on what you’re doing or where you are going?
• try to stop you from seeing your own friends or family?
• make you feel afraid to disagree or say ‘no’ to them?
• constantly accuse you of flirting with others when this isn't true?
• tell you how the household finances should be spent, or stop you having any money for yourself?
• stop you from having medical assistance?
• scare or hurt you by being violent (eg: hitting, choking, smashing things, locking you in, driving dangerously to frighten you)
• pressure or force you to do sexual things that you don’t want to do?
• threaten to hurt you, or to kill themselves if you say you want to end the relationship?
• Have your children heard or seen these things or been hurt themselves?

If you have answered ‘yes’ to any of these, then there are signs that you are not being treated right, or that you are being abused. If you don't feel safe, respected and cared for, then something isn't right.

Abuse happens when one person tries to control or hurt another. Abuse may be physical, such as hitting, pushing or choking. Abuse can also be other things, like putting you down and making you feel worthless, or being possessive and jealous to stop you from speaking to friends or family. Forcing or tricking someone into doing sexual things is also abuse. These things can be just as hurtful as physical violence.

copied from:

[b/] Safety Planning

It is always advisable to have a safety plan in case yourself, your friend, or family member becomes threatened or in danger. One of the things you can do when supporting your friend or family member is to prepare ways in which they can increase their safety.

The following questions are examples of what you can ask when assisting in making a safety plan:

• Who will you call when threatened or in danger? (e.g, police, friend, DV Connect)
• Where will you go? (safe place, e.g. friend/relative/motel/refuge)
• What can you do to ensure your children's safety?
• What medications will you need?
• What and where can you store personal/important documents so they can be found urgently if needed? (e.g., bank cards/books, Centrelink/pension cards, passports, birth certificates, drivers licence)
• How much money will you save for an emergency?
• Where can you hide this money?
• What do you need to pack in an emergency bag and where can this bag be stored?
• Who do you need to pack for?
• What identification will need to be taken?

The power and control wheel

The power and control wheel below provides examples of abusive tactics that may be used by the abuser to assert power and control over their partner. Not all of these tactics may be used by the abuser but most abused women can identify with some of, if not, all of them.

compiled from:

Edited by drgndrew (04/24/09 01:45 AM)
Sumo Pacis (Choose Peace)

With Honour in Bushido
Drew Guest
Bushi Dojos Self Protection
Toowoomba Self Defence

#418491 - 04/24/09 01:40 AM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
drgndrew Offline
< a god, > a man.

Registered: 01/09/05
Posts: 599
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia
What is domestic and family violence?

Domestic and family violence occurs when one person in a relationship uses violent and abusive tactics to maintain power and control over the other person in a relationship. People who experience these acts of abuse or violence often feel fearful and unsafe.

Domestic and family violence occurs between people in a range of domestic relationships including spousal relationships, intimate personal relationships, family relationships and informal care relationships.

In relationships where domestic and family violence occurs the violent behaviours can include:

• physical abuse (including slapping, hitting, punching, pushing, biting, kicking)
• threatening to hurt you, your relatives, friends or work colleagues in some way
• damaging property such as furniture, the house or pets in order to frighten and intimidate you
• emotional abuse (making you feel worthless, criticising your personality, your looks, the way you dress, constantly putting you down, threatening to hurt you, your children or your pets)
• verbal abuse (including yelling, shouting, name-calling, and swearing at you)
• sexual abuse (forcing or pressuring you to have sex or participate in any sexual activities that you don't want to)
• financial abuse (taking control of the money, not giving you enough money to survive on, forcing you to hand over your money, not letting you have a say in how it is spent)
• threatening to stop providing care for you if you don't do what you are told, for example if you don't hand over your Centrelink payment. This sometimes happens to people with an illness, disability or impairment who rely on another person to care for them
• social abuse (controlling where you go, not letting you see your friends or family)
• depriving you of the necessities of life such as food, shelter, medical care and the company of other people such as your family and friends
• spiritual abuse (forcing you to attend religious activities against your wishes, prohibiting you from participating in the religious practices of your choice)
• stalking (constantly following you by foot or car, constantly calling you by phone, text message and email, or staying outside your house or workplace). Stalking is a criminal offence in Queensland
• doing similar things which upset you and make you fear for your safety.

Generally, an argument occurs over a disagreement or differing points-of-view in relation to a specific issue. During the course of a domestic argument, voices can be raised in heated discussions, but there is still a level of respect and equality between partners.

Domestic and family violence occurs when one person in a relationship uses tactics aimed at achieving control and dominance. In this situation, the abusive person will seek to 'win' the argument by not allowing the other person to express their point-of-view or coercing them, through the use of violence and abuse, to give in to the abusive person's opinion.

The essential difference is the lack of equality and respect between the two people, with one person maintaining control over the other.

People from all types of backgrounds can use violent and abusive behaviours towards the people they are in domestic relationships with. The problem of domestic and family violence is not confined to any particular social or ethnic group.

While there may be a whole range of things that you and the other person disagree about, it is important that these differences are resolved in a way that does not involve violence and abuse. It is important that your behaviour does not cause the other person to feel fearful and unsafe.

Know the danger signs

You can tell if you are in an abusive relationship by keeping an eye out for these danger signs:

* control:
• is when your partner wants to know your every move and checks up on you
• will not allow you to make your own decisions
• threatens or forces you to do things against your will.
* jealousy and isolation:
• when they cut you off from your friends or family
• control your life through jealousy - you may not do things that you would normally do because you are worried about how your partner will react
• causes trouble when you talk to other people
* lack of respect for your personal space and makes you feel uncomfortable
* use of violence and/or abuse to solve problems.

Safety Plan

One of the things that you can do to help yourself is to have a safety plan for those times when you feel unsafe or at risk of being hurt. The following safety plan is an example of what you can do to prepare for a time when you are in danger and need to leave quickly.

1. Decide who you will call if you feel threatened or in danger. This will probably be the Police but could also be a neighbour, relative or friend
2. Decide where you will go if you need a safe place. You may need to leave the house in a hurry if you think you may be hurt. If you have children, develop a safety plan for them such as working out where they can go that is safe if you are unable to get away. This could be a neighbour or someone else who lives close by
3. Decide what arrangements you might need to make for your pets if they will be at risk of being harmed
4. If possible save some money for a taxi, bus or train for emergency transportation to a safe place
5. Keep extra keys to your house and car in a safe place
6. Make a list of emergency phone numbers
7. Consider keeping some clothing, medications, important papers, keys and some money with someone you can trust
8. Practice travelling to the location that you have chosen as a safe place
9. If you are going on a date make sure you carry emergency cash, have a phone card or mobile phone, consider using your own transport and meet the other person at the venue, and tell someone else who you are going out with, where, and an expected time you will be back.

Effect of domestic and family violence on children

Children are affected by domestic and family violence even if they have not seen the abuse or violence. Children react in a variety of ways; they may show signs that they are affected by the domestic and family violence, or they may keep these signs and their feelings inside. It is important to listen to children and watch for warning signs of effects on a child's physical or emotional health. Some of the ways children may react include:

• copying the abusive or violent behaviour
• trying to intervene to stop the abuse. This is how some children become injured during domestic and family violence
• being stunned into a terrified silence by what they see
• blaming themselves
• being frustrated, angry and depressed
• wetting the bed
• being nervous and withdrawn
• displaying psychosomatic illnesses including unexplained headaches, asthma and stuttering
• running away from home
• attempting suicide
• abusing alcohol and substances.

Research shows that children who are involved in domestic and family violence are affected in many ways. They don’t need to see it to be affected.

Violent behaviour is also teaching children inappropriate messages about abuse and violence and the way to treat people in their family, those they care for, or people with a disability, illness or impairment. Children may learn that:

• the only way to cope with stress and pressure is through the use of abuse and violence
• using violence is an appropriate way to solve problems
• it is okay to use violence to get what you want.

Compiled from :
Sumo Pacis (Choose Peace)

With Honour in Bushido
Drew Guest
Bushi Dojos Self Protection
Toowoomba Self Defence

#418492 - 04/24/09 01:49 AM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
drgndrew Offline
< a god, > a man.

Registered: 01/09/05
Posts: 599
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia
The above couple of posts where compiled from only a couple of Australian websites.

There is vast amounts of information and advice on Domestic violence. victims may not be able to access it though, such is the control of the abusive spouse.

but just in case I've posted the above info for reference.

PLEASE NOTE, any phone numbers or contact details given in the above and following posts are for Australia only (eg Australia's emergancy telephone number is "000", in the U.S. it is "911", in the U.K. it is "999" etc )

Edited by drgndrew (04/24/09 02:03 AM)
Sumo Pacis (Choose Peace)

With Honour in Bushido
Drew Guest
Bushi Dojos Self Protection
Toowoomba Self Defence

#418493 - 04/24/09 01:59 AM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
drgndrew Offline
< a god, > a man.

Registered: 01/09/05
Posts: 599
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia
What if you think someone might be a victim of abuse/DV

How can I recognise abuse?

You might be unsure if what your friend or relative is experiencing is 'abuse'. Maybe you just have some sense that something is 'wrong' in her relationship. Sometimes there may be signs that indicate that there is abuse. But often there will be nothing obvious. These are some of the signs that someone is being abused.

* She seems afraid of her partner or is always very anxious to please him or her.
* She has stopped seeing her friends or family, or cuts phone conversations short when her partner is in the room.
* Her partner often criticises her or humiliates her in front of other people.
* She says her partner pressures or forces her to do sexual things.
* Her partner often orders her about or makes all the decisions (for example, her partner controls all the money, tells her who she can see and what she can do).
* She often talks about her partner's 'jealousy', 'bad temper' or 'possessiveness'.
* She has become anxious or depressed, has lost her confidence, or is unusually quiet.
* She has physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, sprains, cuts etc). She may give unlikely explanations for physical injuries.
* Her children seem afraid of her partner, have behaviour problems, or are very withdrawn or anxious.
* She is reluctant to leave her children with her partner.
* After she has left the relationship, her partner is constantly calling her, harassing her, following her, coming to her house or waiting outside.

Why doesn't she just leave?

It can be hard to understand why someone would stay in a relationship if she is being treated so badly. Leaving may appear to be a simple solution. You might think that the abuse is partly her fault because she puts up with it, or that she is weak or stupid if she stays.

It is hard to imagine what it is like to be abused when you are not in the situation yourself. From the outside, it may seem easier to leave than it actually is. It can be very difficult to leave an abusive partner. This is an important thing for friends and family to understand.

There are many reasons why it may be so hard to leave.

* She is afraid of what the abuser will do if she leaves. The person who is abusive may have threatened to harm her, her relatives, or the children, pets or property. They may threaten to commit suicide if she talks about leaving. Many victims find that the abuse continues or gets worse after they leave.
* She still loves her partner, because he or she is not abusive all of the time.
* She has a commitment to the relationship or a belief that marriage is forever, for 'better or worse'.
* She hopes her partner will change. Sometimes the abusive person might promise to change. She might think that if the abuser stops drinking, the abuse will stop.
* She thinks the abuse is her fault.
* She feels she should stay 'for the sake of the children', and that it is best that children live with both parents. Her partner may have threatened to take or harm the children.
* A lack of confidence. The person who is abusive will have deliberately tried to break down their partner's confidence, and make her feel like she is stupid, hopeless, and responsible for the abuse. She may feel powerless and unable to make decisions.
* Isolation and loneliness. The person who is abusive may have tried to cut her off from contact with family or friends. She might be afraid of coping on her own. If English is not her first language she might feel particularly isolated.
* Pressure to stay from family, her community or church. She might fear rejection from her community or family if she leaves.
* She may feel that she can't get away from her partner because they live in a rural area, or because they have the same friends, or are part of the same ethnic, Aboriginal or religious community.
* She doesn't have the means to survive if the relationship ends. She might not have anywhere to live, or access to money, or transport, particularly if she lives in an isolated area. She may be dependent upon her partner's income. If she has a disability, she may depend upon the abuser for assistance.

It is very important that you do not make her feel that there is something wrong with her because she hasn't left. This will only reinforce her low confidence and feelings of guilt and self-blame.

Leaving an abusive partner may sometimes be quite dangerous. The abuse may continue or increase after she leaves. Help her to weigh up her feelings, to decide what she can do, and to consider her safety whether she decides to stay or to leave. She might want to contact a service to talk about how to protect herself.

"When I told her how he abused me, my friend said 'but you let him do it' like it was my fault. That made me feel worse. She didn't know how much pressure he put on me to go back, how he said he loved me and would kill himself rather than live without me and the children. He made me feel so guilty. I though how important it was for the children to have a father. It was all a way of manipulating me to come back. My friend stopped talking to me after I went back to him, she said I was stupid. I was really upset because she was my only close friend in Australia and I really needed someone to talk to, and help me to see that the way he treated me was wrong" - Nicola.

Should I get involved?

Many people worry that they will be 'interfering' if they get involved, or that it is a 'private matter'. But it is equally worrying if someone is being abused and you say nothing. Your support can make a difference. You might risk some embarrassment if you approach her and she rejects your support or tells you your suspicions are wrong. But if you approach her sensitively, without being critical, most people will appreciate an expression of concern for their well-being, even if they are not ready to talk about their situation. It is unlikely you will make things 'worse' by expressing concern.

"My family knew I was being abused and that I felt trapped, but they didn't say anything about it until I finally left. It would have helped if they had said that his behaviour wasn't ok, because I though it was normal. If they had said that I was a good person and that they were there if I needed them, it would have made getting out a lot easier" - Ellie.

How should I approach her?

Approach your friend or relative in a sensitive way, letting her know your own concerns. Tell her you're worried about her, then explain why. For example 'I'm worried about you because I've noticed you seem really unhappy lately'.

Don't be surprised if she seems defensive or rejects your support. She might be scared of worrying you if she tells you about the abuse. She may not be ready to admit to being abused, or may feel ashamed and afraid of talking about it. She might have difficulty trusting anyone after being abused. If the victim is a man, he may feel particularly embarrassed about speaking about the abuse as he may be seen as 'weak' or 'unmanly'.

Don't push the person into talking if they are uncomfortable, but let them know that you're there if they need to talk. Be patient, and keep an ear out for anything that indicates they are ready to talk about the abuse.

What can I do to help her?

The most important thing you can do is to listen without judging, respect her decisions, and help her to find ways to become stronger and safer.

"You don't have to fully understand to be of assistance. All you have to do is give your time and love without being judgemental" - Jane.

* Listen to what she has to say.
* Believe what she tells you. It will have taken a lot for her to talk to you. People are much more likely to cover up or downplay the abuse, rather than to make it up or exaggerate. You might find it hard to imagine someone you know could behave abusively. But the person who is abusive will probably show you a very different side to the side the victim sees.
* Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally. Don't underestimate the danger she may be in.
* Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her or her children.
* Tell her you think she has been brave in being able to talk about the abuse, and in being able to keep going despite the abuse.
* Help to build her confidence in herself.
* Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do. Let her know you think that the way her partner is treating her is wrong. For example, 'No-one, not even your husband, has the right to mistreat you'
* Help her to protect herself. You could say 'I'm afraid of what he could do to you or the children' or 'I'm worried that it will get worse' . Talk to her about how she thinks she could protect herself. See the section 'Helping to increase her safety' (see below).
* Help her to think about what she can do and see how you can help her to achieve it.
* Offer practical assistance like minding the children for a while, cooking a meal for her, offering a safe place to stay, transport or to accompany her to court, etc.
* Respect her right to make her own decisions, even if you don't agree with them. Respect her cultural or religious values and beliefs.
* Maintain some level of regular contact with her. Having an opportunity to talk regularly to a supportive friend or relative can be very important.
* Find out about Intervention Orders (Victorian name for a court protection order - in NSW these are called 'Apprehended Violence Orders', and in other states they are 'Protection', 'Restraining' or 'Domestic Violence' Orders) and other legal options available and pass this information on to her if she wants it.
* Tell her about the services available. Remind her that if she calls a service, she can just get support and information, they won't pressure her to leave if she doesn't want to.
* Keep supporting her after she has left the relationship. The period of separation could be a dangerous time for her, as the abuse may increase. She may need practical support and encouragement to help her establish a new life and recover from the abuse. She could also seek counselling or join a support group.

"What would really have helped is to have a relative or friend to mind the kids for a while. I just needed the time to think and work out my feelings without the kids being around all the time" - Soraya.

Questions you could ask and things you could say:

These are just some ideas. It is important that you only say what you believe, and use your own words.

'The way he treats you is wrong'.

'What can I do to help you?'

'How do you think his behaviour has affected you?'

'How do you think his behaviour is affecting your children?'

'I'm worried about what he could do to you or the children.'

'What do you think you should do?'

'What are you afraid of if you leave?'

'What are you afraid of if you stay?'
What not to do …

When talking to someone who is being abused, some things may not help, or may stop her from wanting to confide in you fully. Here are some of the things victims of abuse say did not help:

* Don't blame her for the abuse or ask questions like 'what did you do for him to treat you like that?' or 'why do you put up with it?', or 'how can you still be in love with him?' These questions suggest that it is somehow her fault.
* Don't keep trying to work out the 'reasons' for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting the person who is being abused.
* Don't be critical if she says she still loves her partner, or if she leaves but then returns to the relationship. Leaving an abusive partner takes time, and your support is really important.
* Don't criticise her partner. Criticise the abusive behaviour and let her know that no-one has the right to abuse her (for example, say 'your partner shouldn't treat you like that'). Criticism of her partner is only likely to make her want to defend him or her.
* Don't give advice, or tell her what you would do. This will only reduce her confidence to make her own decisions. Listen to her and give her information, not advice.
* Don't pressure her to leave or try to make decisions on her behalf. Focus on listening and supporting her to make her own decisions. She knows her own situation best.

Helping to increase her safety

Whether she is staying in the relationship or has separated, it is important to think about how she can be protected from further abuse. You could:

* Help her to plan where she and her children could go in an emergency, or if she decides to leave. If she needs to stay at a secret location, tell her about safe accommodation services (refuges). She can ring the Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service to find out about refuges in Victoria (see services).
* Agree on a code word or signal that she can use to let you know she needs help.
* Help her to prepare an excuse so she can leave quickly if she feels threatened.
* Find out about how the police can protect her. Talk to her about laws that can protect her, such as an Intervention Order (this is the name for Victorian court orders. In other states they are called other names, such as Protection Orders, or Apprehended Violence Orders). This is a court order that can protect her from further abuse or from the abuser coming near her. It is a criminal offence if the abuser disobeys the conditions of the Intervention Order.
* Help her to prepare an 'escape bag' of her belongings, and hide it in a safe place. If she leaves she will need money, keys, clothes, bank cards, driver's licence, social security documents, property deeds, medication, birth certificates, passport and any other important documents for herself and her children.
* If she decides to stay she may need other ways to protect herself and the children from further violence. She could ring a service for safety ideas and legal information.
* You could offer to give evidence as a witness, if she wants to take out an Intervention Order or to take other legal action. If you feel able to offer this, take notes if you observe abuse, noting times, dates, and what you observed.

What can I do if I witness or overhear physical violence or threats?

If you believe there is immediate physical danger and that she and her children are about to be harmed, call the police on 000 immediately.

If you do have the opportunity to talk to her at another time, ask about whether or not she would like you to call the police. She may fear that calling the police may make things worse for her. Many people are afraid of involving the police, especially those from non-English speaking backgrounds or indigenous communities who may have had bad past experiences. You could call a domestic violence service to find out about how you could help in this situation.

But remember, when you think there is immediate physical danger, call the police on 000.

Looking after yourself

Supporting a friend or relative who is being abused can be frustrating, frightening and stressful. You need to look after yourself and to get support too.

Feeling frustrated or angry that she hasn't left the relationship
Remember that letting her know you're frustrated or disappointed will not help her, and may only make things worse. Don't give up on her, regardless of her decisions. Explain your fears, but let her know you will still support her. Remind yourself that your support is important, and will have a positive impact on her, even if she can't express this now. Don't underestimate the value of your support.

Feeling afraid or 'out of your depth'
Get some support for yourself. Talk to other friends or contact a service for information on what you can do.

Feeling pressured to help more than you are able
Be honest about the amount and type of support you can offer. Don't push yourself beyond your own limits - you can only fully support her if you look after yourself too. Remember that you are not responsible for the abuse, and you cannot 'rescue her'. She can also get support from the services listed at the end of this guide.
How can I respond to her abusive partner?

Be careful. Don't place yourself in a position where the person who is being abusive could harm or manipulate you. Don't try to intervene directly if you witness a person being assaulted - call the police instead.

If the person who is being abusive is your friend or relative, you may feel caught in the middle. It is important to understand that if you approach the person who is abusive, he or she may:

* tell you to 'mind your own business'
* deny the abuse, or say 'how can you think I could do something like that?'
* make it seem like it's 'not that bad', or that it only happened once
* make it seem like it's the other person's fault, or that it's her behaviour that's the problem, not theirs
* say that they couldn't help themselves, they were drunk, just 'snapped', or 'lost control'.

None of these responses mean that he or she is not abusive. It is common for a person who is being abusive to deny or minimise the abuse. Probably the only way you will be able to 'verify' that a person is abusive is if their partner tells you that they are, or if you witness the abuse. Even someone who appears to be 'respectable' and 'normal' can be abusive in the privacy of their own home.

It is possible that the person who is abusive may admit the abuse was their fault, but say they don't know how to stop their behaviour. If the person who is abusive is male, he can be encouraged to call the Men's Referral Service (in Victoria - there are other services for abusive men in other States) for anonymous and confidential advice on how he may go about ending his use of violence. See services. If the abusive person is female, she can contact her local Community Health Service (see White Pages phone book).

If you do observe abuse, and you feel safe or able to, talk about the behaviour you have observed. For example 'You are both my friends, but I think the way you criticise and intimidate her is wrong'. But if you only know about the abuse because the victim has talked to you about it, check with her first before saying anything to her partner. Her partner could become more abusive to her if he or she thinks she has told someone.

A man speaking to another man, or a woman speaking to another woman about their abusive behaviour can be a helpful way of approaching this issue. Don't focus on trying to understand why the person is abusive, or on trying to work out how to change him or her. Don't get involved in excusing the abuse. Focus on what the person who is abusive is going to do about it, and encourage them to call the Men's Referral Service
Sumo Pacis (Choose Peace)

With Honour in Bushido
Drew Guest
Bushi Dojos Self Protection
Toowoomba Self Defence

#418494 - 04/24/09 02:20 AM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
drgndrew Offline
< a god, > a man.

Registered: 01/09/05
Posts: 599
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia
How to get help if you are a perpetrator of violence

Abuse and violence is a choice. You can choose to either continue using violent or abusive behaviour towards those you are in a domestic relationship with, or stop this type of behaviour.

If your choice is to continue to use violence and abuse in your relationship then you must accept the likely consequences which may include:

* the breakdown of your relationships
* people you care for, including your children, living in fear of you
* hurting your children
* facing the court on a protection order application
* criminal charges
* serious injury or death to yourself, the other person or children
* loss of contact with your children.

Asking for help is a sign of strength and courage. It takes guts to pick up the phone and ask for help. If you want help you can call the Men's line (9am to midnight, seven days a week) on 1800 600 636 or phone Lifeline (24 hours) on 13 11 14 and talk anonymously and confidentially to a trained professional.
What you can do to control your behaviour

Recognise when tension is building

The key to preventing an explosion of aggression is being able to see it coming so that we have the chance to respond to it differently.

Typically when we feel aggressive, we experience:
* muscular tension - especially a tightening of the stomach, neck and face
* a surge of adrenalin
* an increased heart rate.

Self talk

The next step is to identify the messages we give ourselves and this is called self-talk. When we can recognise these signs it's easier to pull ourselves up and make some choices about our behaviour. It may be useful to keep simple messages in our heads so they are available when we need them. Examples that others have found useful are:
* it's not worth it - I've got too much to lose
* take a breath
* stay in control of myself
* walk away and calm myself down.

Time out

If self-talk isn't enough take time out. This means leaving the situation to get our heads straight and come back later to talk again.

Let the other person know that this is what you are doing for example you could say 'I need to take time out; I'll come back in half an hour'.

Only return when you are sure that you are relaxed.

Avoid drinking alcohol, taking drugs and driving as this may only make it difficult to see things clearly.

Time out when you are feeling aggressive gives you a chance to cool off. It allows you to avoid violence not a difficult issue.

Tip: Before the next conflict let the other person know this is what you are going to do.

Adapted from information contained in the How to deal with domestic violence booklet, Freedom From Fear Campaign, Family and Domestic Violence Unit, Government of Western Australia (1998).

compiled from

Free PDF downloads are available from the following website
Sumo Pacis (Choose Peace)

With Honour in Bushido
Drew Guest
Bushi Dojos Self Protection
Toowoomba Self Defence

#418495 - 04/25/09 01:04 PM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
hushsound Offline

Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 11
WOW. haha thats thorough. nice

#418496 - 06/15/09 11:16 PM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
DefendThyself Offline

Registered: 06/15/09
Posts: 7
Loc: California, USA
A lethal weapon is always your best bet, yet it gets harder & harder to legally get one. My friends old boyfriend came around one night and she had to blast him with a shot gun to get him to understand it ain't cool to come around anymore. He was hit with a couple of pellets from some buckshot at close range & took him out. It also messed up her head having to use it.

That's why non-lethal items like TASERS & Pepper Sprays work so well, and won't kill the person, so you don't have to deal with the emotional part of it & the legal part of it. It's sad that there is even domestic violence to begin with!

Any guy that hits a women is a wimp and a coward, though what about the verbal abuse? Does that justify an attack?
Chris Winkler

#418497 - 06/19/09 11:02 PM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: DefendThyself]
drgndrew Offline
< a god, > a man.

Registered: 01/09/05
Posts: 599
Loc: Toowoomba, Qld, Australia

A lethal weapon is always your best bet..

You have to be kidding me? this is not only simply a quick fix solution it is fraught with problems.

you mentioned the aftermath involved when you friend shot her ex with buck shot, how the hell will she be after she takes a life or worst how will her friends and family be when she is unable to pull the trigger and the weapon is taken from her and used by the other less compassionate person.

Those who recommend lethal weapons for self defence know nothing of the reality of using them, et alone attaining them and simply lack the knowledge to provide better solutions.

How is a typical domestically abused mother suppose to find the money to purchase a weapon, let alone pass the requirements for obtaining one, on top of this it is useless with out training. the controlling nature of the abuser is going to make all of the above virtually impossible. and then how does she find the support she needs after the fact, how does she deal with the child.

A lethal weapon may solve the threat but it causes more problems then cures. I'm afraid the old fall back of "get a gun" just is too simplistic to the reality of the situations


That's why non-lethal items like TASERS & Pepper Sprays work so well, and won't kill the person, so you don't have to deal with the emotional part of it & the legal part of it.

it is a better option but then you still have the same problems as the above. A typical abusee does not have the freedom or mind set to obtain them. It's not as simple as walking into K-mart and Grabbing one. domestic violence is not the same as "Normal" street violence, the physical threat is only one aspect and is rarely the most damaging.

If the abused had the presence of mind to obtain a weapon (lethal or not) as well as the opportunity to obtain one then they have recognised a problem, and they have a better choice .... take the kids and go. think about it it's easier then going to the trouble of getting a weapon and using it

I notice that you are a provider of self protection products, that explains your recommendation.

now I don't mean to imply that these devises do not assist in self protection. A weapon is a great equalizer, and sure can make a difference but we have to be realistic for the situations. a street mugging or street attack is one thing, DV is entirely a different thing. most often the victim defends the abuser, if this is the case how the hell do you expect them to use a weapon against them

Violence is not, has not and will never be simply a physical thing it is behavioural , emotional and cognitive, you can not separate these elements. in a domestic situation the BEC is a even more major player. the mindset of the victim is different, the tactics of the abuser is different. What might work well in a mugging may not work well in DV.

Ok I should point out that yes I am having a big go at DefendThyself's suggestion, he is entitled to his beliefs and I respect that but I don't have to agree. in fact I tend to think that he is starting to believe his marketing a little too much.

this is not any way intended to be a person attack on DefendThyself, only on his suggestion posted above. I in no way want to infer anything about his/her character, chances are he is a decent fellow as is most people in this field. i just think he relies too much on products and apply their use in a too simple of manner.
Sumo Pacis (Choose Peace)

With Honour in Bushido
Drew Guest
Bushi Dojos Self Protection
Toowoomba Self Defence

#418498 - 06/20/09 08:19 AM Re: Domestic Violence Help and Self Defense [Re: drgndrew]
MattJ Offline
Free Rhinoplasty!

Registered: 11/25/04
Posts: 15634
Loc: York PA. USA
I'm going to have to agree with Drew regarding lethal weapons! "Best bet" is a gross over-simplification.
"In case you ever wondered what it's like to be knocked out, it's like waking up from a nightmare only to discover it wasn't a dream." -Forrest Griffin

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