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#369365 - 11/10/07 04:35 AM Hermits have no peer pressure.
Ed_Morris Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 6772
The World According to Steven Wright


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
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I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
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I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
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My school colors were clear.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
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I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
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My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
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He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
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Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
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I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
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Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
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I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
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I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
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It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I'm a peripheral visionary.
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I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
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Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
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The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
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Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
.

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#369366 - 11/10/07 04:45 AM Re: Hermits have no peer pressure. [Re: Ed_Morris]
Ed_Morris Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 6772
Philosophical Warning Labels


Solipsism Warning:

The consumer should be aware that he or she may be the only entity in the universe, and therefore that any perceived defects in product quality are the consumer's own fault.


Determinism Safety Advisory:

Every citizen be advised that despite the possibility that his or her acts are all entirely predetermined by the blind mechanical nature of the universe and are therefore unavoidable and inescapable, he or she will still incur a legal responsibility and liability for any torts, violations, misdemeanors, or felonies he or she commits.


Knowledge-Definition Warning:

Because knowledge is defined for the purpose of this product
literature as "justified true belief", the manufacturer cannot prove that they "know" any of the information provided with this product to be true, correct, complete, or consistent because they cannot demonstrate their internal belief states through the principle of
Philosophic Privacy.


Cartesian Evil Genius Alert:

The reader is advised that he or she may be subject to an illusion generated by an evil genius, and that his or her "sensory fibers" may be falsely manipulated at any time with neither advance warning nor any possible legal remedy.


Epistemological Denotation Warning:

The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety
warnings (including this one), associated with this product may contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.


Non-Universal Ethics Notice:

Due to the possibility that a common notion of ethics are not universally shared by all sentient beings, and that therefore the manufacturer may have entirely different concept of "fairness",
"equity", "honesty", and "integrity" than the consumer, the consumer should not expect the product purchased to conform in any way to the advertised properties of the product.


Godelian Product Disclaimer:

As it has been proven that there are many true but unproveable statements, the manufacturer cannot be held liable for any of its unsupported product claims.


Penrose Addendum to Godelian Disclaimer:

Despite the above warning, the manufacturer is confident that all its product claims are true because of its mystically acquired and computationally unrepudiable organic intuition. Unfortunately, the
manufacturer cannot in any way demonstrate that its intuition is correct, or indeed that it has an intuition.


Philosopher-General's Existentialist Tobacco Products Label:

Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and emphysema,and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or die.

Top
#369367 - 11/10/07 04:53 AM Re: Hermits have no peer pressure. [Re: Ed_Morris]
Ed_Morris Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 6772

Top
#369368 - 11/10/07 08:20 AM Re: Hermits have no peer pressure. [Re: Ed_Morris]
ButterflyPalm Offline
Enigma

Registered: 08/26/04
Posts: 2637
Loc: Malaysia
Please thank Mr. Wright for me, life is so much more meaningful now.
_________________________
I'll rather be happy than right, anytime.

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#369369 - 11/10/07 08:31 AM Re: Hermits have no peer pressure. [Re: Ed_Morris]
MattJ Offline
Free Rhinoplasty!
Prolific

Registered: 11/25/04
Posts: 15634
Loc: York PA. USA
Steven Wright is hilarious. I remember seeing his routine years ago on a Rodney Dangerfield special (?).

I loved the humidifier/dehumidifier thing.
_________________________
"In case you ever wondered what it's like to be knocked out, it's like waking up from a nightmare only to discover it wasn't a dream." -Forrest Griffin

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