The World According to Steven Wright


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
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What's another word for "thesaurus"?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
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I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
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I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
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I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
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My school colors were clear.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
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I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
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My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
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He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
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Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
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I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
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Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
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I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
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I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
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It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I'm a peripheral visionary.
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I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
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Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
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The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
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Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and emphysema,and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or die.

International Philosophy match:
http://www.videosift.com/video/Monty-Pyt...-playing-soccer

Please thank Mr. Wright for me, life is so much more meaningful now.

Steven Wright is hilarious. I remember seeing his routine years ago on a Rodney Dangerfield special (?).

I loved the humidifier/dehumidifier thing.