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#369009 - 11/07/07 12:30 PM Made me Chuckle
Aeras Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Colorado
Here is an oldy but a goody...still makes me chuckle a bit.

*You might be a Martial Arts Junkie if...
.....After every date instead of a kiss, you go for an arm lock.

.....You can recite the words to all of Bruce Lee's movies, but not the Gettysburg Address.

.....You have more GI than street clothes.

.....You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church.

.....You consider a punch to the chest, acceptable greetings.... for BOTH sexes.

.....You throw out your house furniture to make room for your trophies.

.....People invite you to a costume party, and then tell you that you can't dress up as a "Ninja, Samurai... etc. or any of that other stuff you do everyday."

.....You think, Two Chinese guys flying through the air and beating each other senseless because of "My Style is better than your style" is actually a good plot for a movie.

.....You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table.

.....You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even.

.....Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you.

.....When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.

.....You shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

.....The Twelve Days of Christmas in your house becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

.....You actually think that sweat really is the fountain of youth.

.....Your family nickname is "Rice Crispy," because when you get out of bed in the morning, there's a deafening sound of snap, crackle and pop!

.....The only friends you have, either have been kicked, or have kicked you in the groin at least once in your life.

.....You haven't got room in your garage for a car, because your mats, heavy bag, training dummy, etc., etc., are in the way.

.....You size up members of the opposite sex, not on beauty, but on training scars.

.....You think GI is acceptable business attire.

.....You ALWAYS have a Gi in your car....just in case.

.....You NEVER go on vacation, because you don't want to miss "sparring night" in class.

.....When you ARE forced to go on vacation, you leave essentials such as shampoo, razor, pants, out of your suitcase so you have room for Gi.

.....The first thing you do when you get to your destination, for vacation is look in the hotel yellow pages for a school to train at.

.....You punch when you sneeze.

.....You think rolling around all night with sweaty guys is entertainment, and your not a woman or gay.

.....You have arguments with non-martial artists friends about the validity of a hold from last nights WWF.

.....Your house is decorated in tatami.

.....Your children work out their differences "on the mat".

.....You get addressed at your child's PTA meeting as "That Karate Guy".

.....You remember Bruce Lee's Birthday, but can't remember your parent's, spouse's, etc.

.....You've ever spent a holiday such as Christmas, Valentine's Day, in the Dojo training, instead of home with family.

.....You buy your clothes based on "Fighting Durability" versus Fashion.

.....You've ever stood on something really tall and thought, "I could Break fall from this."

.....You've ever done kata in the shower.

.....have the urge to bow every time you enter or leave a room.

.....You are more concerned about being rested up for a tournament than going to your prom.

.....Instead of renting a video with your girlfriend, you put in the "Choke" video in for the 100th time and explain to your girlfriend how awesome the choke/video is.

.....You wake up in the middle of the night and find that the beanbag chair that was at the foot of your bed is now in your guard.

.....Your girlfriend starts getting cauliflower ears and has a decent guard from practicing on her.

.....When getting out of bed, you put your outside foot just out of the covers and then elevator the covers off of you.

.....Whenever some one greets you with open arms you shoot for a takedown.

.....You realize your putting yourself into a arm bar or choke when bored.

.....You start teaching your 10 month old baby, the mount, the side mount and the guard.

.....When someone tries to give you a hug you immediately drop into base and hip throw.

.....When you practice chokes on anyone that turn his back at you.

.....You find it fun putting house pets (dogs, cats) into locks, chokes and holds.

.....You try to get grandma to do a foot lock on you.

.....You are constantly staring at other people's ears at bars and clubs to see who is a grappler.

.....Your name begins with an "R" but you insist that it is pronounced with an "H" sound, "Hichard", "Hick", "Hyan", "Hodney".

.....When talking with friends, boss, relatives you eye them up to see which would be easier to take on them: the armbar or the choke.

.....You actually believe the "one armed monk" story.

.....You actually know the "one armed monk" story.

by Bill MacCumbee

_________________________
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies simply because they become fashions."- G.K. Chesterton

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#369010 - 11/07/07 03:57 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: Aeras]
underdog Offline
Veteran

Registered: 09/18/04
Posts: 1270
Loc: Mansfield, MA U.S.A.
Love it.
_________________________
The older I get, the better I was!

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#369011 - 11/07/07 06:15 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: Aeras]
GriffyGriff Offline
Good Egg,
Member

Registered: 01/28/04
Posts: 414
Loc: Earth
Quote:

.....Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc.




This extends to knives, forks spoons, ladles, pens, pencils etc. And my wife HATES me automatically doing it.


Quote:

.....You buy your clothes based on "Fighting Durability" versus Fashion.



Never buying trousers which are so tight in the thighs that you can not get off a decent kick to the head.


General Habits
============
.... Testing for the balance of every knife that you find, even at dinner parties. (Then you receive the "Withering Look" from your partner).

.... Turning Light switches on/off with your feet.

.... When your hands are full (not always the case), opening and closing doors with your feet & knees.

.... Cooking / Washing-Up whilst balancing on one leg with the other in an extended side-kick position.

.... Lowering your head and watching all the time when someone (anyone), wants to hug you or comes too close. (Even family members).

.... Demonstrating 1 inch and 3 inch punches on your daughter's new boyfriend. (As this saves the "Look after my Girl" speech).

.... “Forgetfully” leaving articles such as large wooden spoons around the house (as you know if someone breaks in that you can inflict a LOT of damage with these innocent looking items).

Outside the Home
==============
.... Walking down Supermarket aisles, eyeing up Marketing and Product signs whilst mentally noting how you would kick them.

.... Walking down crowded streets whilst mentally noting attack points and distancing on innocent pedestrians

.... As Above, but now physically ensuring you maintain correct footwork so that you are never wrong-footed.

.... Inability to sit in a restaurant with your back to the door.

.... Whilst in a restaurant / bar etc. choosing your seat on both the visibility it offers and also the ease of standing/jumping up (just in case).

.... On Escalators in Shopping Centres/Mals. Standing in an inconspicuous manner whilst practicing Lap-Sao drills by pulling on the escalator rubber arm rails.
My Kids love to watch the people in front who just happen to be leaning on the rubber rail, when it suddenly shoots backwards.


Vacation / Trips Abroad
==================
.... Choosing Holiday villas with pools deep enough for you to practice resistance kicking drills.
_________________________
I am NOT homophobic... I am NOT afraid of my own house!

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#369012 - 11/07/07 06:20 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: underdog]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Lawl

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#369013 - 11/07/07 08:05 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: GriffyGriff]
Aeras Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Colorado
"This extends to knives, forks spoons, ladles, pens, pencils etc. And my wife HATES me automatically doing it."

Every time I pick something up of this nature my wife automatically backs up above five feet and begins to eye me wearily.


"Demonstrating 1 inch and 3 inch punches on your daughter's new boyfriend. (As this saves the "Look after my Girl" speech)."

I'll have to remember that one...

"“Forgetfully” leaving articles such as large wooden spoons around the house (as you know if someone breaks in that you can inflict a LOT of damage with these innocent looking items)."

My wife also likes to point out that I have various weapons of some sort positioned all over the house for quick access in any situation.

Speaking of this: my friend keeps weapons around as well...one night he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees the silhouette of a person in his bedroom doorway. He grabs a throwing dart positioned on his nightstand and sends it soaring across the room. Let me tell you something if his wife's dress hanging on the door had been an intruder they would not have been happy. As it was the only unhappy person was his wife whose new dress had to go get a giant hole patched the next day.


_________________________
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies simply because they become fashions."- G.K. Chesterton

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#369014 - 11/07/07 09:54 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: Aeras]
Spade Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/06
Posts: 255
Loc: Auburn, Al.
I left swing dancing class, a guy I knew walked up to me "Dude, you got to cut that crap out"

Me: "huh?"

Him: "dude, you just bowed at the door"

_________________________
"always paddle your own canoe." - Cord

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#369015 - 11/07/07 10:27 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: Spade]
lopezma Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/07
Posts: 30
Loc: Austin, TX.
Love it! Thanks for the laugh; also

....when buying a suit, two of the determining factors are, how it looks when you are in a fighting stance and can you do a high side kick in it.

....you still have your karate t-shirt from our first class EVER!
_________________________
Rock The World!

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#369016 - 11/07/07 11:36 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: lopezma]
ChangLab Offline
Sleepy-ninja

Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 312
Loc: Cincinnati, Ohio
You can open,close the lid/seat and flush the toilet without using your hands.

In swingdancing class you "see the openings" of your wife.
ok maby I should restate that last one..

when a neighbors dog does the welcome leap into your lap you block,counter and finish the dog.

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#369017 - 11/08/07 12:56 AM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: ChangLab]
GriffyGriff Offline
Good Egg,
Member

Registered: 01/28/04
Posts: 414
Loc: Earth
Quote:

when a neighbors dog does the welcome leap into your lap you block,counter and finish the dog.




I like to play-fight with my dogs, whilst practising
Dog-Chi-Sau.
_________________________
I am NOT homophobic... I am NOT afraid of my own house!

Top
#369018 - 11/08/07 12:29 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: GriffyGriff]
Aeras Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Colorado
Glad to spread some laughs around...btw I noticed the other day at work that I was raising and lowering the toilet seat with my foot. No big deal right? Well when I lean back and side kick the head level flush handle...I may have gone to far.
_________________________
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies simply because they become fashions."- G.K. Chesterton

Top
#369019 - 11/08/07 02:27 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: Aeras]
underdog Offline
Veteran

Registered: 09/18/04
Posts: 1270
Loc: Mansfield, MA U.S.A.
I bowed to the new Doctor -on-call at work which was bad enough, but he bowed back!

I work night shift and when everything is quiet and I have finished my work and need to move around, I do slow kata quietly hall way. My staff takes it in stride. When new staff work on the floor, they look at me funny and my staff has to explain it to them.

I'm definitely weird because I have a black belt tattoo circling my upper arm.
_________________________
The older I get, the better I was!

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#369020 - 11/08/07 02:54 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: underdog]
Aeras Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Colorado
Quote:

I bowed to the new Doctor -on-call at work which was bad enough, but he bowed back!




Speaking of Hospital shenanigans. One of my students works security at the same hospital I work at. Well, he had some questions about the arm lock we were working on last night, so obviously we begin to work on it in the middle of the hallway. Chief nursing Officer turns the corner just as I am demonstrating this particular hold we have been working on. So, picture this: the CNO (my direct boss) is just walking down the hall and she turns a corner to see me holding our Hospital security officer in a painful arm lock. Needless to say I will keep a picture of her face tattoed on my brain forever!


Quote:

I'm definitely weird because I have a black belt tattoo circling my upper arm.




You really are the toughest grandmother ever, aren't you?
_________________________
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies simply because they become fashions."- G.K. Chesterton

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#369021 - 11/09/07 04:25 PM Re: Made me Chuckle [Re: Aeras]
Aeras Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/07
Posts: 76
Loc: Colorado
found another:

* How To Hide Your Ninja Lifestyle From Your Co-workers:

by: Garrett Kenyon
Begin by: Not wearing your black jumpsuit.

Recent negative portrayals in the American media have led to an unprecedented backlash in this country against your average, everyday, 9-to-5 ninja. As a result, many of us hardworking ninjas have been forced to go underground, hiding our heritage, our training and our very ways of life. If you find yourself in this position, here are a few helpful tips that will aid you in hiding the fact that you are a master of the black arts from your coworkers.

Step One: Solve Problems With Your Mind Instead Of Your Nunchakus

While nunchakus are a time-honored tradition of dispute settlement among the ninja, their use is usually discouraged in the typical American office. The next time someone steals your stapler or eats your lunch from the office refrigerator, try saying a few friendly, but firm, words to them instead of smashing their skull with your nunchakus.

Step Two: Try Using Office Items For Their Intended Purposes

As you are well aware, one of the greatest skills of the ninja is the ability to turn any ordinary item into a lethal weapon. However, years of doing so can cause the practitioner to forget the uses that said items were created for in the first place. For instance, did you know that, as well as making a delightful eye-stabbing and handcuff unlocking tool, a paperclip can be used to hold groups of paper together? Were you aware that pens may be used to write messages on paper, as well as for projectile weapons?

Step Three: Cut Down On The Target Practice

While throwing shuriken (throwing stars for non-ninjas) at every moving object that happens by your desk is a highly esteemed tradition in most Shaolin office environments, the practice is considered rude in America. Work on your target practice in the privacy of your own home. Not only will your true identity remain concealed, you might even make more friends at your company!

Step Four: Instead Of A Smoke Bomb, Try Saying Goodbye

I know it's a hard habit to break, but it really isn't necessary to disappear every time you leave for the day or go to the bathroom. Instead, try saying "Goodbye" or one of the popular variations, like "See you later," before walking out the door. It's not as dramatic, but these are tough times for the American ninja, and we all must make sacrifices.

Step Five: Walk Through The Office

While using your ninja claws, foot spikes and grappling hooks to move throughout your office is surely the most graceful and efficient mode of transportation, it also happens to be a surefire way to alert your coworkers that you are a ninja. Try walking around on the floor, like everyone else. Remember, you needn't to sneak around either; watch how your coworkers walk and follow suit.

Step Five: When In America, Dress Like An American

While you would definitely feel more comfortable in a jet-black ninja jutte and two-toed Tabi boots, most ninjas find they are better able to blend into the typical American workplace when they wear shirts and ties. You won't be able to sneak up on your prey as easily, but then again, that is exactly the kind of behavior you might be better off without.

Step Six: Ritual Suicide Is A Big No-No

As a practitioner of the ancient art of ninjitsu, this one is going to be the toughest. The next time someone shames you by walking into the stall when you are having a bowel movement, or a rival company betters your boss in business, you must not commit ritual suicide. Though it goes against every instinct in your body, try simply getting drunk or being loud and irritable like most other Americans do.

Congratulations! If you have fully utilized all of these helpful tips, your co-workers probably have no idea that you are a ninja.




Just for shiggles.
_________________________
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies simply because they become fashions."- G.K. Chesterton

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