* How To Hide Your Ninja Lifestyle From Your Co-workers:
by: Garrett Kenyon
Begin by: Not wearing your black jumpsuit.
Recent negative portrayals in the American media have led to an unprecedented backlash in this country against your average, everyday, 9-to-5 ninja. As a result, many of us hardworking ninjas have been forced to go underground, hiding our heritage, our training and our very ways of life. If you find yourself in this position, here are a few helpful tips that will aid you in hiding the fact that you are a master of the black arts from your coworkers.
Step One: Solve Problems With Your Mind Instead Of Your Nunchakus
While nunchakus are a time-honored tradition of dispute settlement among the ninja, their use is usually discouraged in the typical American office. The next time someone steals your stapler or eats your lunch from the office refrigerator, try saying a few friendly, but firm, words to them instead of smashing their skull with your nunchakus.
Step Two: Try Using Office Items For Their Intended Purposes
As you are well aware, one of the greatest skills of the ninja is the ability to turn any ordinary item into a lethal weapon. However, years of doing so can cause the practitioner to forget the uses that said items were created for in the first place. For instance, did you know that, as well as making a delightful eye-stabbing and handcuff unlocking tool, a paperclip can be used to hold groups of paper together? Were you aware that pens may be used to write messages on paper, as well as for projectile weapons?
Step Three: Cut Down On The Target Practice
While throwing shuriken (throwing stars for non-ninjas) at every moving object that happens by your desk is a highly esteemed tradition in most Shaolin office environments, the practice is considered rude in America. Work on your target practice in the privacy of your own home. Not only will your true identity remain concealed, you might even make more friends at your company!
Step Four: Instead Of A Smoke Bomb, Try Saying Goodbye
I know it's a hard habit to break, but it really isn't necessary to disappear every time you leave for the day or go to the bathroom. Instead, try saying "Goodbye" or one of the popular variations, like "See you later," before walking out the door. It's not as dramatic, but these are tough times for the American ninja, and we all must make sacrifices.
Step Five: Walk Through The Office
While using your ninja claws, foot spikes and grappling hooks to move throughout your office is surely the most graceful and efficient mode of transportation, it also happens to be a surefire way to alert your coworkers that you are a ninja. Try walking around on the floor, like everyone else. Remember, you needn't to sneak around either; watch how your coworkers walk and follow suit.
Step Five: When In America, Dress Like An American
While you would definitely feel more comfortable in a jet-black ninja jutte and two-toed Tabi boots, most ninjas find they are better able to blend into the typical American workplace when they wear shirts and ties. You won't be able to sneak up on your prey as easily, but then again, that is exactly the kind of behavior you might be better off without.
Step Six: Ritual Suicide Is A Big No-No
As a practitioner of the ancient art of ninjitsu, this one is going to be the toughest. The next time someone shames you by walking into the stall when you are having a bowel movement, or a rival company betters your boss in business, you must not commit ritual suicide. Though it goes against every instinct in your body, try simply getting drunk or being loud and irritable like most other Americans do.
Congratulations! If you have fully utilized all of these helpful tips, your co-workers probably have no idea that you are a ninja.
Just for shiggles.
"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies simply because they become fashions."- G.K. Chesterton