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#366573 - 10/21/07 03:29 PM What I’ve learned since…
jonnyboxcutter Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/06
Posts: 320
It’s been some time since I have posted on the boards – bout a year or so I would guess. I know there is already a thread somewhere titled what I learned today – well I’m starting this one because there has just been to many “todays” and way to many things learned for that to work.

About a month after my 2nd degree test I started having some physical issues. After about 6-8 months of suffering through all sorts of pain and indignities I found out I have cancer. It started in the colon, spread into my lymph system from there into my liver. I have intentionally kept myself ignorant of the major details – that’s what the doc gets paid for. I prefer to know as little as possible - it gives me less to think about. All that I know for sure is one tumor is about the size of a lemon, and another is about the size of a walnut.

This will be long anyway so I wont add too much but suffice to say over the last three years I went from having a wife, a company, a house, and a nice car. Now it’s an X-wife, a job, a place to sleep, and I get to put out everyone around me for rids to the hospital.

Due to the timing of those issues I needed to move back to my mothers house. This by itself was bad, once I found out I had cancer my mothers ability to assign blame hit like a baseball bat. Trust me, if you have a steady diet of blame and torment, added with a healthy dose of doctors telling you you’re going to die – expect to spend some time in the hospital, doing a whole bunch of talking. Due to my training she decided that if I went crazy she could not control me so she started boarding herself in her room at night; her paranoia built like a kid hiding from monsters in the closet.

In the past I cut a more intimidating figure, I’m 6’2” and ran about 220-230. I’m currently sitting at 172 but was as low as 148. If lucky I could walk around the block without having to stop and take a break. I spent most of my time at her house outside on the deck watching the humming birds, but to hear her tell it all I ever did was march around dictating orders.

My time at my mother’s house was stacked with pain of all sorts but the physical was the worst. I’ll save the descriptions but there were times I actually thought I was done – and I honestly think it would have been preferable. I was jacked on pain meds that kept me almost non-functional; if I went more than the allotted 4 hour window I could tell. Car rides where the worst, the vibration of the vehicle after just 10-15 min of driving was too much to bare and I would have to stop – these kind of requests only seemed to add to the aggravation and caused more blame to be assigned.

After I got out of the hospital I took about a week to think about it – and enough meds to drop a rhino. After that week I came to the conclusion that my current arrangement was not working and decided I needed to remove my mother from my life; given my state it was a very difficult decision – much more than normal. The move was tolerable because it forced her to go to therapy – she started to become more controlling and aggressive towards my kids. I told her she could no longer spend time with them or me and the only way to fix the situation would be for her to get help. I figured I could swing it because the family was being very helpful and said that they would continue to help. Well as soon as the decision to move was made the family decided that her version was the correct version and what I had to say was irrelevant. Keep in mind everybody has seen her do what she does, but due to some jump in logic when she did it to me some how it was my fault. Look at all she’s been through – ive been told. Some how me losing my Grandmother and Father to cancer doesn’t count, I need to understand her plight because it was her Mother and Husband. For some reason though when she would tell people about me it was – I can’t lose one more to cancer – The cold delivery hurt more than the generic wording – I was in the room for the entire conversation. This will be my last deviation before I get to my point – during my “stay” I was pushed hard – I was there because I lacked self-control and was acting like a terrorist – that’s what I was told at least. It’s difficult to explain but after I got out I was talking to her and fell apart - due to the meds and the stress of the situation. I needed to have her confirm that I didn’t kill my dad, and I told her that I thought I was “violated” during my stay – she had a smile on her face the entire time. Needless to say, she has an interesting way of manipulating information.

Fortunately for me I have a very close friend, I called him after the meds wore off and all this hit me; I told him I need out of the house. It was only meant as conversation not a request but without hesitation he said I could have you out in an hour or first thing in the AM. I’ve been at his house now for about three weeks. Since totally walking away from my family I have pulled myself off all prescribed meds, and I was told by my psychiatrist I don’t need to come back unless I want to talk about something. My last time at the doctor’s office I found out I gained 15-20 pounds, Some Cancer Antigen count dropped from 4,000 to 2,400 and all other testes showed positive. The most negative thing he had to say was the cat scan showed no change from the last one approx 3 months ago – I’ve been off of treatment for 7 weeks when I took this last one.

What I’ve learned since – the mind can do amazing things once it is free of toxic thoughts. Not only have I been able to work through all the things she attempted to do and the realities that she desperately attempted to create, but I have also managed to completely reassign the pain process so that I am able – for now at least –to live pain free. I mean things still hurt but I can manage it when it does. My doctors – who up till now have only seen me under her “care” – are amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in 3 weeks.

I hope to start contributing again, I enjoyed the conversations from before – and hell, I need all the mental stimulation I can get :-)

Out for now, will type more later
-JBC-
_________________________
-- -JBC-

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#366574 - 10/21/07 04:43 PM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: jonnyboxcutter]
harlan Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 07/31/04
Posts: 6664
Loc: Amherst, MA
JBC...welcome back. Wondered where you had gone.

Your's is a survivor's tale...thank you for sharing it. There is more than one cancer survivor on this board...so you have good company here.

Visit when you can, remember to heal, and good to see you again.

-Narda

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#366575 - 10/21/07 06:08 PM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: harlan]
oldman Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 07/28/04
Posts: 5884
Sometimes mothers can be more toxic than chemo. Thats why so many men are bald.

Best wishes to you
_________________________
www.prairiemartialarts.com

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#366576 - 10/21/07 08:15 PM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: oldman]
MattJ Offline
Free Rhinoplasty!
Prolific

Registered: 11/25/04
Posts: 15634
Loc: York PA. USA
JBC -

Stay strong borther! You have gotten this far. This thing can be beaten - BrianS and Butterflypalm have both done it. The family situation can be difficult, too - I have no answer for you there, as I am working on that myself.

Know that you have our support! Don't give up.
_________________________
"In case you ever wondered what it's like to be knocked out, it's like waking up from a nightmare only to discover it wasn't a dream." -Forrest Griffin

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#366577 - 10/22/07 01:37 AM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: MattJ]
ButterflyPalm Offline
Enigma

Registered: 08/26/04
Posts: 2637
Loc: Malaysia
Cancer can be beaten.

The real fight is between your mind and your body; for the mind, keep every thought every second of the day a positive one and, for the body, a change in diet to lots of fresh fruit/vegetable juices and, for myself, no hard meat and occasionally some fish until the body is clear.

A significant lowering of the antigen is a good sign and the scan showing no change could mean that at least nothing else bad is growing.

I am sure everyone here wish you all the best in these very difficult times.
_________________________
I'll rather be happy than right, anytime.

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#366578 - 10/22/07 01:50 AM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: jonnyboxcutter]
hedkikr Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 02/28/05
Posts: 2827
Loc: Southern California, USA
Damn...I totally admire & respect your strength.

Here's to conquering cancer & taking back your place in the world.

Glad to have you back.

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#366579 - 10/22/07 02:05 AM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: ButterflyPalm]
BrianS Offline
Higher rank than you
Professional Poster

Registered: 11/04/05
Posts: 5959
Loc: Northwest Arkansas
johnnyboxcutter,

I'll echo what Butterflypalm has said, cancer can be beaten.

Sounds like you have had a tough row to hoe, much tougher than you should have had to endure.

I too lost my job, gained an X-wife,had to leave the military,but I did have good family support. Man, you are right about the car rides, I hated that!!! I would get so frustrated at the nausea every stinking thing would cause!!

I can't imagine what you are going through with this. Thank goodness you have a good friend to help.
My mailbox and pm's are open to anything you want to talk about.
There are many things cancer can do,but outnumbered countlessly by what it can't!

Stat strong brother.

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#366580 - 10/22/07 07:12 AM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: BrianS]
Cord Offline
Prolific

Registered: 01/13/05
Posts: 11399
Loc: Cambridge UK.
Quote:

There are many things cancer can do,but outnumbered countlessly by what it can't!




That may be the coolest thing i have read all year. Genius. what a great way of looking at things.

JBX, you can choose your friends, but you cant choose your family. At least things within your power have been positive and helpfull. best of luck with everything.
_________________________
Don't let the door hit ya' where the good lord split ya'
http://cord.mybrute.com

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#366581 - 10/22/07 04:43 PM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: Cord]
trevek Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 05/15/05
Posts: 3337
Loc: Poland
JBX, you're a fighter and survivor. Keep safe and well, kiddo.
_________________________
See how well I block your punches with my jaw!!

Supporting everyone saying "nuts to cancer"

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#366582 - 10/26/07 06:40 AM Re: What I’ve learned since… [Re: jonnyboxcutter]
wristtwister Offline
like a chiropractor, only evil

Registered: 02/14/06
Posts: 2210
Loc: South Carolina
Jonny,
I'm speechless. It has taken me several days to organize my thoughts of how devastating this news is to you and your family, and to actually have the courage to speak with you about it.

I don't know if you remember, but you sent me a pm sometime back and we discussed getting together just to visit. I had it printed off and sitting on my "stack of stuff" at my desk for further planning... and it got neglected because we stopped corresponding. Now I know why, and I am devastated by this news.

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'll write more (pm) later, but I'm making myself late for work now. Stay strong, and please know that you are on my mind, and have been this whole time. I simply wondered why we stopped corresponding... now I know.

My profound sympathies.

_________________________
What man is a man that does not make the world a better place?... from "Kingdom of Heaven"

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