Differences Between Women and Men

NAMES
--If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
--If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
--When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
--When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
--A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
--A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
--A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
--The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
--A woman has the last word in any argument.
--Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
--Women love cats.
--Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
--A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
--A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
--A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
-- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
--A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
--A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
--A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
--A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
--Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
--Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
--Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
--A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
--Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....
--A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep", the husband replied, "in-laws.

Matt, I received this as an email a few months back and laughed the whole time. My husband tries to keep up with as much as I do (two kids aged 6 and 2.5) and he just can't do it. I had told him that while he was at work (he works off shore) we had about 16 inches of rain so there was no need to water the grass while he was home. TWO DAYS LATER he's watering the yard. I don't think I'll ever understand men!

Casey

of course if it's older women they also get into a fight saying "I'll pay for that"... "NO, I'LL pay for that" (see Father Ted episode)

Quote:

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NATURAL
--Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
--Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

---

Quote:

---

AND FINALLY....
--A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep", the husband replied, "in-laws.

---

CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Obviously this is fiction and was wrote by a woman. Now how do I know this? Well for one a guy can smell where any stink comes from since he is so well at making his own. Secondly he probably couldn't care a less about the stink. Thirdly if he left he would never have taken the curtain rods; like he is going to go to all of that trouble to remove them even out of spite. And finally the tell tail sign is there is no way that the guy would have got the house in the first place ... he would have been the one screwed and would have been the one moving out and moving in with the girlfriend ... or more likely some good buddy who would put him up.

What some women won't do to make themselves look smart.

I'll be honest.

When it comes to stink, I could care less. I know what stinks, and from where, and I'd could go through hell just to remove it, but most of the time, I'd probably ignore it.

It's fiction :P

-Taison out

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them
makes
you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle,
besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.