I think that depends on how you justify violence.

Sure, I was in my fair share of squabbles as a kid, but the only really violent situation I was in, was with my x. Violence can be subtle, it doesn't have to come to blows.

Had he actually hit me, not just the cabinet behind me, I would probably have left that situation much sooner than I had, but its easy to justify violence or abuse, when its more subtle. Its taken me a long time to realize what kind of damage he actually did to me and to begin recovering from it.

Laura

Folks,
Many times as individuals we look at our experiences in life as normal or average. It was not until my mid thirties that events conspired to cause me to reflect back over events in my life. Again , up until that point I had never really considered the impact the events had on my perceptions of the world. One other perspective that matt's survey doesnt address (sorry Matt) is the concept of "Vicarious Abuse" or Vicarious Violence. That is violence that we witnesss or are aware of and can do nothing about. Though it technically does not happen to us it can be tramatic and have lasting repercussions.

To be honest it, is a bit painfull to reflect on it all at once. It is a bit like trying to eat a salami in one sitting rather than slicing it thinly and putting it on a sandwich each day.

So here is a walk through.

In a few year period within a 2 block radius of my home 2 young people (my friends) were abducted and a third experienced an temped abuction but escaped.

The first was Heather B. She was with her brother and another friend playing in the woods near their home. She was abucted, sodomized and found the next day, alive, being held capive in an apartment building near the woods.
Her abductor was caught and prosecuted.

I was the friend in that story. I was in the woods with them that day.

The second was Jeff R. who lived on the other side of the woods. He was a friend. We were both in junior high. Jeff was abducted also. He was missing for some length of time. His naked body was found in the Mississippi river bound with nylon rope.

His killer was never found.

In the third incedent a young boy was walking home from a friends around 9:00. As he crossed a field a man approached him and asked him to come to his car to help him get it started because of a mechanical problem. The boy declined and moved away from the man. The man continued to move forward grabbing the boys sweatshirt and attempted to pull the boy into his car. The boy responded with a round kick to the outside of the mans knee. The man lost his grip and the buy fled.

That boy was me.


I'll just tell the some other stories of the situations sequentually.

I was beaten by 3 young men in a locker room at school. My mother was a teacher at my school. She had failed the young men in her class. Because of that they lost their athletic eligability. They didn't have a whole lot going for them. They took their anger out on me.

As I was not one to violate the unspoken boy code. I said nothing about the incidents. That would become a pattern for many years in my life.

When it got back through other channels what happened the boys were suspended.

I too was punished. I was punished by my mother for not telling her about the incident.

Next event. I was held at knife point in another lockeroom. My assailant, another student backed my up against a wall and pressed a knife into the flesh of my neck and said "I ought to cut you bitch". He enjoyed the fear he saw in my face. When he turned his head to his audience and laughed I took the opportunity to brake his arm, pin him to the ground and take the knife. I put the knife in the teachers desk.

I heard someone say later that year , "Don't F*ck with him. He'll break your arm".

Next, Teen road rage? Three teens in a car felt I had wronged them in some way. I fled in my car with them in persuit for about a mile. They tried to force me off the road but I was able to go around them by driving up and over the curb. I drove toward my house. When I arrived I decided to make a break for the house. The three caught up with me. I tried to reason with them them since I had no Idea what they were angry about. One guy yelled something about his sister, who of course I did not know. One guy stood between me and my house. He could see that I was trying to get to the door and cut me off. He then grabbed me. When he did I threw him using osoto gari. Neighbors started to come out of their houses because of the noise. The remaining 2 picked up the third and helped him back in their car as the swore and promised payback.

Great. Now they know where I live. Are they going to come back? If so WHEN?

Next, Valley Golf. I was 18. I was closing up the skatebord park I ran. I was walking to the golf clubhouse near by. Three guys who were perpetual pains in the ass began to harass and threaten me. I hind site I may have been able to de escalate this one but I didn't. In anger and frustration I said some things that were not, well, prudent. One picked up a half of a brick and raised it as if he intened to hit me. I was mad as hell. I fought 2 of them. The third ran away leaving me standing over his two larger friends. I began to chase him but cut off the chase as my head cleared.

Next stupid college frat meliay. I almost had my head taken off with a golf club. It came so close to my jaw that I felt the coolness of the metal as it passed my cheek.

That was enlightening.

Everyting since then has been avoidence or intrevention on behalf of others

Between 14 and 18 there were too many incedents to catalog. Many didn't come to blows. During those years for me there was a sense that violence could erupt at any time.

About a month ago I was talking to another adult male about my same age. We chatted and I mentioned where I was from and he began to laugh. When I asked him why he told me this. "When I got out of college my first job was in the "Q.C.'s" It was weird". I asked him what was weird?. He replied " I've lived alot of places in my life. The thing about the "Q.C.'s" is everyone wanted too fight. People just couldn't go out and have a good time. Someone always had to start some $hit. Am I crazy? I mean is it just me?" I told him he was not crazy and it was not just him.


To be honest there were other situations some not worth metioning and others that I won't share today.

My practice of the arts over my adult years has helped me to understand the impact of the events of my earlier life on my thinking and body. I have come to understand that practicing martial arts after experiencing violence can leave you like a dog chasing it's tale. For me just arming myself was not the answer. You just end up reinforcing fear. As they say there's always someone bigger faster stronger.... You know, $hit happens. Life is unpredictable. It is counter productive to build a fortress or a panic room that you can never leave. . .No one can be perfectly safe in the world. What you can do is become heathlier, safer, and better informed.

I would like myself and the people I train with to be as prepared as possible to deal effectively with violence. Before and after. Most of us, thankfully are rarely in danger. If you have experienced more violence than most your brain and you body may need frequent reminders of how rich, beautiful life can be. Also how deep and satisfying, loving and supportive relationships can be.


I'm prepared as well as I can be but [censored] happens. Life is unpredictable. If you can catch me, be ready for a hellova fight. I may do something you don't expect. I have modest skills and more experience than most. I v'e got great benefits and health care. If you manage to do me in my wife and kids may miss me but not that much. They will be financially set, and their educations provided for in my abscence. They will also be supported by a large network for friends and family. I enjoy life more than ever but I'm prepared to go. Bad guys, bring it on.

So in part the violence that I have experienced in my life has brought me to this point and for that I'm gratefull. So greatfull in fact I may beat your ass or buy you lunch. You just never know.

Life is unpredictable.



As I sit here writing this I am thankfull. And really happy.


Mark

Thanks, Oldman, for the reflections.

This is a good poll...is makes one reflect and wonder if we have buried things, or managed to let them go. I'd like to think I've let some of the bad stuff go...but there are memories that I'd rather avoid...and I guess those are the ones I'll have to address some day.

No matter, luck or persistance, everyone responding is a survivor. That's something.

Did you expect a response from a non survivor? Corpse? Zombie?

Remember Chen there are those of us that do practice "dead patterns".

lol yes indeed.

Experinced violence - Yes
What age - Teens, Young adult, adult
Where did it happen - Home, Parking lot(s)
Did you initiate it - No
Mulitple attackers - No

Different scenarios. Last one was a drunk guy messing around with the cars in the apartment complex where I used to live. That was about 10 years ago. Nothing since then.


-John