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#321364 - 02/08/07 10:16 PM Essay Topic My Dojo
gojuwarrior1 Offline
tougher than you

Registered: 12/24/02
Posts: 1178
Loc: East Coast, USA
I have to do a descriptive essay on anything so i chose my dojo. Please read it and tell me what needs work and if i "brought you to my dojo" Thanks.

............................................................
MY DOJO


The feeling I get when I walk through those steel doors of my dojo is one of great anticipation. The hours that lie ahead will be filled with the pain I love to hate. The same pain I have grown accustom to over the years has become my friend. As I make my way down those damp concrete steps that hold the moisture from nights past, I can start to smell the hours of hard work that remain embedded in the soul of this place I choose to call home. The foundation is old and the paint shows signs of wear and tear from the bodies being slammed up against it trying to avoid the blows raining down on them like a mid summer shower.

Finally, I walk through a maze of punching bags and mats that lay lifeless at the moment. I make my way to my locker room to change into my Gi (Uniform). Like a soldier who puts on his Armour, I gear up and head into harms way, only there is nowhere to run in my war zone. As I get ready to make my presents known I can start to hear the repetitive chants of the other warriors who preceded me into the watchful eye of Sensei (Teacher) who sits majestically on his throne and never misses an eye blinking.

I take a deep breath and a quick sip of something to drink because I know that every cell in my body will be depleted of all sources of energy by the end of this ordeal. Upon opening the door I notice the air is thick with heat, not from mechanical sources but from the bodies beginning to warm up for the long arduous tasks ahead.

My night begins with a trek across a frost bitten floor that seems to penetrate deep inside my bones and forces me to keep moving or risk having my feet amputated. As I approach Sensei I do so in a cautious manner for he holds my fate in his hands for the night and to upset him would be a detriment to my health.

I made it safely in his presents and kneel in the traditional Japanese manner on a brisk cement floor and endure its painful pressure on my delicate knees and ankles. After I bow in I rise to my feet, right leg then left and begin to encounter a plethora of different cruel methods designed to strengthen the fragile human body. Known as body hardening techniques my body is grown accustom to pain on a different level. As my muscles begin to fill with fresh blood and loosen up I begin the transition into Kata practice. Kata is what the ancient Bushi (Warriors) devised as a method of training the body into memorizing the complex movements of combat into a dance like sequence of punches, kicks and blocks among more subtle applications.

As I glide across the dojo floor like a whirlwind in motion, I begin to be entranced in the kata- we are one. As the heat intensifies under my gi I begin to sweat profusely like an ice-cold glass of liquid sitting on a sun-baked table. My warm up is just about through and I start to focus on catching my breath and preparing for the next task at hand.

Approaching the unforgiving canvas bag I can not help but wonder how many blows this foe can endure before it finally says “uncle”, I’ve yet to find out. My mind is surging forward as my body struggles to keep pace when I hear a familiar sound of the buzzer going off. The sound reminds me of when a wasp whips by your ear so I react and start to strike the bag relentlessly, my fists and feet thumping against an opponent that never complains nor hits back but still, I have no mercy on it. Round after round my energy begins to dwindle away and my body says stop but the spirit cries never!


The last buzzer sounds and my heart is racing like a rabbit running for its life. Is it over? I ask myself, not by a long shot. Suddenly my opponent is alive and looking to replace my head with his fists. My body, now on the defensive is looking for a way out of this madness. Bobbing, weaving, just trying to survive the onslaught I begin to catch a second wind. Blows bury themselves into my flesh and I gladly return the favor so kindly giving to me. At last I hear a faint voice say Yame (stop) and I try and slow the momentum of my body in motion. My legs feel as if they are going to collapse but I bolster them with my spirit and stand tall. I bow to my opponent, whom just a moment ago was locked in mortal combat with me, is now my brother.

The battle is over; I have survived another night in the Dojo, the place I have come to call home. It will forget about the nights past and continue to keep our secrets and let us hold future engagements behind its doors. This place stands strong like a medieval castle awaiting anyone who dare challenge it. This is my Dojo.
_________________________
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. 2 Tim. 4:7

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#321365 - 02/09/07 09:06 AM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
schanne Offline
breaks things

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 4370
Loc: Woodbury NJ
_________________________
The way of the warrior does not include other ways... Miyamoto Musashi Schanne

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#321366 - 02/09/07 09:35 AM Essay Topic: My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
harlan Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 07/31/04
Posts: 6664
Loc: Amherst, MA
Nice. And nice idea for a thread as well!

Any objections to others sharpening their pens, and adding to the topic?

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#321367 - 02/09/07 10:17 AM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
ButterflyPalm Offline
Enigma

Registered: 08/26/04
Posts: 2637
Loc: Malaysia
After the words "...is now my brother, always has been" and after the words "This is my Dojo, my Door, my Destiny"

Definitely "A" material. If the teacher is a martial artist as well, well.......
_________________________
I'll rather be happy than right, anytime.

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#321368 - 02/09/07 10:24 AM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: ButterflyPalm]
gojuwarrior1 Offline
tougher than you

Registered: 12/24/02
Posts: 1178
Loc: East Coast, USA
Good i will add that, thankx.
_________________________
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. 2 Tim. 4:7

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#321369 - 02/09/07 11:10 AM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
ThomsonsPier Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 475
Loc: Reading, UK
Good stuff! I like your tone, but it does become a touch inconsistent around the seventh paragraph (in my opinion, which is worth precisely what you decide it is).

You used the wrong tense for 'accustom' twice and some of your grammar and capitalisation practices need tidying up.

Disclaimer: I am a picky sod.
_________________________
ThomsonsPier

War. It's fan-tastic!

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#321370 - 02/09/07 01:34 PM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
ashe_higgs Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 04/15/06
Posts: 593
Loc: phoenix
imo, this needs a lot of work, but it's not a bad start.

you have a lot of errors like;

"The feeling I get when I walk through those steel doors of my dojo is one of great anticipation."

should be "the doors" because you have not previously referred to any doors.

" The foundation is old and the paint shows signs of wear and tear from the bodies being slammed up against it trying to avoid the blows raining down on them like a mid summer shower."

is a run on sentence and a bit over done. try to make it tow sentences and maybe tone it down just a little.

" As I get ready to make my presents known I can start to hear the repetitive chants of the other warriors who preceded me into the watchful eye of Sensei (Teacher) who sits majestically on his throne and never misses an eye blinking."

first of all it's "presence" not "presents". secondly, this whole paragraph strikes me as kind of bizarre, if not down right cult-ish.

"I take a deep breath and a quick sip of something to drink because I know that every cell in my body will be depleted of all sources of energy by the end of this ordeal. Upon opening the door I notice the air is thick with heat, not from mechanical sources but from the bodies beginning to warm up for the long arduous tasks ahead."

this paragraph is a little clumsy and reads more like stereo instructions or a biology text book.

"My night begins with a trek across a frost bitten floor that seems to penetrate deep inside my bones and forces me to keep moving or risk having my feet amputated. As I approach Sensei I do so in a cautious manner for he holds my fate in his hands for the night and to upset him would be a detriment to my health."

makes no sense.

"I made it safely in his presents and kneel in the traditional Japanese manner on a brisk cement floor and endure its painful pressure on my delicate knees and ankles. After I bow in I rise to my feet, right leg then left and begin to encounter a plethora of different cruel methods designed to strengthen the fragile human body. Known as body hardening techniques my body is grown accustom to pain on a different level. As my muscles begin to fill with fresh blood and loosen up I begin the transition into Kata practice. Kata is what the ancient Bushi (Warriors) devised as a method of training the body into memorizing the complex movements of combat into a dance like sequence of punches, kicks and blocks among more subtle applications. "

again it's presence, not presents. where not talking about x-mas here. bow in should be "bow in". should be "... body hardening techniques, (note the comma) my body HAS grown accustomed, not IS grown accustomed.

i'll do some more later, but i've got to take the kids to the zoo now.
_________________________
falling leaves discipline, concentration & wisdom

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#321371 - 02/09/07 03:20 PM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: ashe_higgs]
gojuwarrior1 Offline
tougher than you

Registered: 12/24/02
Posts: 1178
Loc: East Coast, USA
That was brutal, but thanks.

the reason i use throne for my sensei is because he is confined to a wheelchair and i just didnt want to say "wheelchair" so i used throne.

Why does that one part make no sense? if you get frost bite dont you need to get amputated? i thought is sounded cool

I know it needs work this is the first draft and i havent wrote an essay in about 9 years but i will work on it.


Edited by gojuwarrior1 (02/09/07 03:27 PM)

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#321372 - 02/09/07 03:46 PM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
Ronin1966 Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 04/26/02
Posts: 3113
Loc: East Coast, United States
Hello Gojuwarrior1:

Who is the essay for precisely? High School? College? Your sensei?

Stylistically, I would remove ALL the first person references (ie remove all reference to "I" from the body of the essay). It would be more powerful presentation an objective description, tantilizing essay of a place none but you have been... Also fwiw-IMV the cultural context of the concept of a "dojo" should likely be described perhaps as a preface? Dave Lowry's columns, numerous publications come to mind.



Where there any other parameters for the essay?

Jeff

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#321373 - 02/09/07 10:58 PM Re: Essay Topic My Dojo [Re: gojuwarrior1]
ashe_higgs Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 04/15/06
Posts: 593
Loc: phoenix
'As I glide across the dojo floor like a whirlwind in motion,"

IN motion is sort of reduntant, i would use "of motion".

"Round after round my energy begins to dwindle away and my body says stop but the spirit cries never!"

should be round after round pass... body says "Stop!" but the spirit cries "Never!".

second to last paragraph needs a lot of punctuation like "is it over?" and a comma after defensive.

"as i slow the momentum of my body" "in motion" is redundant.

"I bow to my opponent, whom just a moment ago was locked in mortal combat with me, is now my brother."

should be

i bow to my opponent. just a moment ago we were locked in mortal combat, now, we are brothers.

i would rework the entire last paragraph.

lasty, i think it's cool that your sensei is in a wheelchair, so i see no reason to avoid it. you might say something like "the light glints off the metal of his wheel chair and i am reminded of some warlord from the old days, sitting on his throne"
_________________________
falling leaves discipline, concentration & wisdom

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