ok. this room includes 'Tales', so lets try to top each other with outrageous claims, shall we?
I'll start.

Everyone already knows I'm an Nth degree black-belt; since I am so advanced, I no longer fit into a linear rank model and have journeyed into the realm of geometric progression....but what nobody is aware of is that I received advanced training from an ancient race of people who were masters of the (almost) lost fighting Art of Atlantis. The strength of the art is in harnessing the power of the atoms around you in a way that is too complex for your simple 3-dimensional minds. Explaining it in this post would cause the entire global internet community to come to a smoking halt. I can prove my skill because I kept the receipt when I purchased the certificate.

top that.

Everything you know about my identity is fake. I was first born as a caveman 12390784 years ago. When I was a toddler, I used to wrestle mammoths for fun. I was the toughest being (and still am) on Earth. Every other caveman wimpered in fear at my mere sight, and my word was law everywhere I went. I then died of old age when I was 932834 years old, because I'm so though. I went to hell, but I gave the devil a whooping and forced him to let me back on Earth. Then I told God I'd do the same to him if he sent me to heaven. Since that time, I have taken various identities namely Napoleon, Jules Caesar, Genghis Khan, but I got tired of ruling the world because it's too easy, so I decided to live a normal human existance so I could better understand why humans are so pathetic. Not that I needed to because I'm the smartest and I understand everything. I have taken over the life of rideonlythelabel. He's such a great guy. If I wasn't him, I'd wish I was. I love myself.

Ninjas attack me every night swinging into my house through my play-wood windows (glass is so expensive to replace and perspex melts too easily) i mastered muto dori at the age of three and am skilled in catching swords midswing. i then like to break the blade and be-head my attacker with it. the pile of beheaded ninjas in my garden is getting a little high. should get out the kerosene and some marshmellows on a stick sometime this week.

i recently mastered dim mak. i can rip peoples ribs out of there bodys adam and eve style and i can cut off llimbs with my ridge hands. i've also mastered the nunchuks, tonfa, bo staff, jo staff, kyudo, sai, most swords, and i can out kick the tkd-ers, out grapple the jjj/bjj/judo/wsestling guys (no-one can beat my wall of jerico!!!) and out punch the kun-fu karate guys...oh and krav is just BS!

you can do all this two just deposit £50.00 a month into funstick5000@hotmail.com paypal and i'll send you a new video and weapon for you to mastery in 5 easy steps!!

ashida kim is god.

UFC is for pansys.

The government would have you believe that superman is a comic character, but he is real!! I am superman!

*bows respectfully*

I am really Bruce Li, which is why I cannot fill in all the blanks of my profile. How will it look if I say 'founder of Jeet Kune Do?'

I sincerely apologise for misleading all you people for so long.

I shall be coming out of hiding soon and do a sequel to 'Enter the Dragon' with the tentative title of "Re-Enter the Dragon"

The venue for auditions for supporting casts will be announced in due course. A preliminary suitability test will be conducted by MattJ, which involves the compulsary groin-kick test. All those who failed will be sent to BrianS for trauma evaluation and then to Budoc for free treatment and finally to Harlan for rehabilitation at Oldman's house. Please contact my marketing agent JoelM for further details. I've recently recruited a monkey boy, but as he is new to the job, I'll see what to assign him soon.

Stay in tune.

I am quite normal.

I kicked Oldmans A$$...Twice!!!

Top that!

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Well, you did say outrageous claims didn't you?!

Well, I'm a gynocologist and I got my Shodan and my M.D. At The University of Cameroon.

knock it off.

back on topic: give us your true, but too good to be not false tale.

I am the epitome of perfect.

My armpits sweat during training.

I am what my village calls, The Chosen Child of Light. I was never really "born," but I simply came down one night from the sky, and landed gracefully and all prophetic-like with a shuriken in one hand and a ninja sword in another, and promptly began to practice the "Ultra Secret Super Ancient Big Time Stuff" kata, while the stars aligned above me to form a picture of Bruce Lee. I am divine.

I was promptly taken to a nearby Shaolin Temple to be taught by a man named Shin (may he live forever!). Super Amazing Eternal Grand Master Poobah Shin (may he live forever!) soon taught me all the great secrets of martial arts, and I quickly began to develop my flying and chi-ball forming abilities, and I also learned and mastered a new way to defeat my enemies: Flex-Fu. I simply flex, and they go flying! Super Amazing Eternal Grandmaster Poobah Shin (may he live forever!) declared me a master, and I was sent off to find the Sacred Scroll of Something Important, which was hidden deep in the mountains of someplace so secret and dangerous, I cannot tell you, because what if you, who are not a Child of Light, try to go there? No. I refrain. Only I who am Chosen could have gone, and I needed to go to save my village from the looming Darkness that was coming to destroy my village.

Needless to say, I found the Scared Scroll of Something Important, and saved the village. Shortly thereafter I moved to America. I opened up "Kim Kwon's Sacred Fists!" (my school) in a nearby strip center, and I am proud to say that the vast majority of my students are black belts after training for just 3 weeks! (I suppose it's all due to my Scared Teaching). YOU can join too, if you sign this 30-year contract and pay an up-front fee of $50,000! To be taught by a master with a background like mine, this is a bargain!

I guess some of you could try to top that, but since no one else is is probably divine like me, I think it'll be difficult. Good luck, mortals.

I'm getting the impression that some of you are exagerating a bit here. Remember, there can only be one.

And that's me.

Did I mention that I am not subject to the laws of physics?

Well you guys, like this one time, this dude in the office was walking round with a pen in his pocket, and it like, didn’t have a lid on it (seriously).

And I was like, well, you should put a lid on it. And he said I should put a lid on it. So I went to stationary and got the guy a lid for his pen.

He said that like, that wasn't what he meant, he meant I should just shut up.

Basically this is a martial arts story because like, I went to this seminar at a weekend, and the guy who ran it like, use to be in the army (Salvation, I think he said) and he said he had developed, like this ultimate combat system.

So like although I only have had, like, a weekend of training (well, it was really a day, cause the instructor guy caught a mild cold and couldn't teach the second day) I consider myself, like, a martial artist.

My martial arts training stopped the insult the guy in the office threw at me penetrating my mind. It was definitely my MA training... it's not that I am like, slow...

I am god and I created you all, now shut up.

I've seen a good Steven segal film made in the last ten years!

Quoted from Oldman

Quote:

---

I'm a gynocologist

---

i'm still immature enough to consider that the perfect career!

Ithought that too, until about 6 minutes into day #1. It was then that I realized that they are not all 18 and hot!

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I am presently working on a be-all/end-all martial arts system, which is coincidentally based on gynecology and...

..ok, i'm not even going to finish this one..

I think you're scraping a bit here!

TRANSLATION!!!!!

For those from the Old Country (Britain), we should mention that 'Fanny' is the US term for the bottom/behind/butt (US again) and NOT a word for the thing on the other side which females have (a lady's 'front bottom', as it were).

Oh My!!!

*dies laughing*

Likewise, should you need to correct your pencil writing in the former colony, ask for an eraser... not a rubber!

Yeah! I was supposed to meet up with this girl from Poole for breakfast one morning. She told me to "come 'round in the mornin and knock me up!"

You could see how my excitement could quickly turn to awkwardness when I arrived!

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In (mainland) Europe they use the word 'preservative'. Be sure I make certain my food is preservative free.

Kind of reminds me of the two strawberries... "If we hadn't been in the same bed together we wouldn't be in this jam now,"

Ouch! Sore muscles from laughing! Why are my cheeks wet?

The names CHUCK NORRIS

I teach a secret art called Karatitsu which revolves around a secret art taught to amazons 500 years ago. The art is mainly use of Chopsticks in certain cavities to cause the opponent extreme pain.

you know, I saw the title of this thread and clicked with a bit of a giddy feeling, but alas I found neither tales of sylvester stallone nor arm wrestling >=(

"Tell you the truth, the truck is, uh, you know, the most important thing for me. I... I don't really... it doesn't matter if I, uh, become the champion or anything. That's, that's not the most important... I... I need this truck." ---Lincoln Hawk

Warning: to understand this you have to have vast knowledge of street fighter, you have been warned.


I am a master of the killing art ansatsuken.

Ansatsuken means: 'assasins murderous fist'.

Ansatsuken is extremly difficult art to learn which when used by an experiaced practioner you can kill an opponent in a single strike.

The art work by the practitioner turning their ki/chi into a physicly destructive force.

There are two main types of ki/chi in Ansatsuken:

-positive energy, the type of energy found in those who are considered to be good people, those who fight for a good cause.

-negative energy or satsui no hadou (surge of intent to murder) , found in those who are considered evil, those who fight for themselves alone. Some may be temped to give into the vast power this energy offers, but its path is often accompanied with blood.
Another trait is they simply live to fight to the death, many consider them evil for killing whoever they fight but as they put it "its killing intent, not evil intent" (geddit)?

Edited for incredibly poor taste. Please think before you use references like that, DCM.

Good story, eh? made it up as I went along