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#155504 - 06/14/05 10:13 AM MA Joke repository
Kintama Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 2724
Loc: Massachusetts
Put your (kinda clean, decent enough for 13+) jokes relating to MA here.

First, an update on vigilante law:
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4123

-------------------------------
The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my a$$!”

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#155505 - 06/14/05 10:16 AM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Kintama]
Kintama Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 2724
Loc: Massachusetts
....MA Student Personalities....

Mr. Wizard (aka. What-If?):
This guy will bring up every possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution: Make him uki.

Captain Slacker:
Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution: Make him uki.

The Interpreter:
Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki.

The Whacker:
Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution: trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon.

The Silver Spoon:
Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them.

The Assistant Insructor:
Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience. Solution: have him do heian shodan. As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt. If you don't believe it, just ask him"

The Vince Lombardi Wannabe:
Believes only that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake. Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time.

The Whiner:
Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills, including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.)

The Toughman:
Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make him uki MORE.

The Cross-trainer:
"White belt, you need to adjust your stance this way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?" Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way.

The Primal Male:
Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws. In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college programs, BTW.)

The Mouth:
Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth.

The Clueless:
He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one. Perhaps encourage reading.

The macho newbie:
He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it. Solution: Kick him in the groin. (OK, so you can't really do that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!)

The macho old-timer:
He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the groin, and then quickly move on to the next partner.

The "in my previous dojo"'er:
Need I say more? Solution: send him on to his next dojo.

Ninja Bob:
is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors.

Every sifu's best friend:
wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's a kick ass private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want)

Mr. Agreeable:
Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar to the original.

Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate:
She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.

Ms. Self-Defense:
She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.

The glass menagerie:
think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly) Solution: time...they either learn or leave.

The natural:
has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential. Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?)

Eclectic Man:
Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does. Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)

Satori Man:
Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke.

Variant 1 on Satori Man:
all this and has never done any MA training. Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes.

Jutsu Man:
Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality B.S.", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for crap". Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.

The Ogler:
The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train. Another solution is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same.

The Drifter:
Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in a while.

The Hasbeen:
used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques. Solution: pair him up with one of said students.

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#155506 - 06/14/05 01:39 PM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Kintama]
Prometej Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 255
Loc: Croatia
Young martial artist is doing pushups on some meadow when some peasent comes to him... He`s looking, going around him,looking...
And finally the peasent tells him "Man i think you lost her"
_________________________
Staying silent is the smartest thing to say

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#155507 - 06/15/05 02:59 AM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Kintama]
Bushi_no_ki Offline
Veteran

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 1667
Loc: POM, Monterey CA
Kintama, here's one for student personalities.

The Showboat: always has to do something flashy. Every time you teach a new technique/application/kata, he has to change a move so it "looks better". Solution, have him try his modification on you and see if it works. Don't hold back on showing that it won't work.

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#155508 - 06/15/05 07:38 AM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Bushi_no_ki]
Foundation Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/05
Posts: 343
Don't forget to make him uke too

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#155509 - 06/15/05 07:52 AM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Kintama]
Xibalba Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Lansing, MI, USA
Hmmm...I notice many of the solutions to your "MA Student Personalities" are "make him uke"...I like, I like!!

Mike

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#155510 - 06/15/05 01:42 PM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Kintama]
BuDoc Offline
The doctor will see you now

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 1067
Loc: USA and Abroad
My new response to anyone who complains about someone else is " Make him an Uke"!

That list is funny as Hell!

Page
_________________________
Medical Advisor for the Somolian National Sumo Team

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#155511 - 06/15/05 03:51 PM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: BuDoc]
Foundation Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/05
Posts: 343
I know I'll sound ignorant, but what's a uke ? I googled it and it told me it's a block, but that makes no sense.
I'm not practicing any Japanese (or chinese, whatever language it is) MA so please bear with me.

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#155512 - 06/15/05 03:56 PM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Foundation]
Dereck Offline
Prolific

Registered: 10/04/04
Posts: 10413
Loc: Great White North
I think Uke is short for Ukranain. There are many jokes about this nationality or background. Alberta Canada has many Ukranians with my wife being one. Love to bug her about it.

"What's that honey ... nothing ... no really just looking at the computer ... no I'm not talking about you ... I know, I know ... I'll be right up ... SORRY! Got to go ... see ya"

(Of course this is a joke ... I'm at work ... and she's too stupid to figure out a computer ... just kiddin'. Sorry honey.)

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#155513 - 06/15/05 04:04 PM Re: MA Joke repository [Re: Dereck]
Cord Offline
Prolific

Registered: 01/13/05
Posts: 11399
Loc: Cambridge UK.
Joke.
Whats Bruce Lee's favourite drink? 'WATAA!!!'
_________________________
Don't let the door hit ya' where the good lord split ya'
http://cord.mybrute.com

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