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#152800 - 06/09/05 01:17 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
BulldogTKD Offline

Registered: 05/11/05
Posts: 294
I agree with Circle of Owls. This situation can be touchy. Unfortunately I know all to well this situation. We have an instructor trainee who is unmarried but thinks that more then a few females in our class have the hots for him and it just so happens that I have a meeting with our head instructor today to discuss this problem. Good luck and I am sorry that you have to go through something like this.

#152801 - 06/10/05 04:28 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: BulldogTKD]
sunspots Offline

Registered: 05/02/03
Posts: 650
Loc: Southern Oregon, USA
I also second Circle of Owls. Maintaining a very "professional" relationship with this instructor, and politely but firmly letting him know that any other sort of attention is unwanted should help.
"Anything unattempted remains impossible."

#152802 - 06/21/05 01:41 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: sunspots]
Mich Offline

Registered: 06/20/05
Posts: 23
Loc: Washington
I also agree with Circle of Owls. There are ways you can get your point across discreetly but successfully. Some options: Have a male buddy pick you up after class a couple times and have him show up a few minutes before class is over to wait for you. Or, if the instructor starts up a conversation after class, suddenly realize your late for your date, and that your boyfriend will be upset. Let him overhear you and a classmate talk about how you dumped a jerk that you found out was married. Asking about the wife is also great 'redirecting'. The key is to let him know that you're not available to him, and there's many ways to do it without yelling 'back off'. :-)

#152803 - 06/22/05 09:07 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: Mich]
Leo_E_49 Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 02/24/05
Posts: 4117
Loc: California
I understand that this is a perplexing subject for you and you're perfectly correct about this guy being unprofessional. In your place I'd feel uncomfortable too.

That said, my advice would be leave the Dojo. No amount of good teaching is worth the hassle that personal problems in the Dojo can bring. I strictly follow the rule of keeping personal matters outside of the Dojo. (Even though I'm single and train with plenty of attractive women) The reason is that it degrades the standard of teaching not only for yourself but also for the other people in the class. In which case, the teaching is most likely not going to be very good anyway.

I know you shouldn't have to temporarily stop an MA because of someone else but this isn't a perfect world and these things happen whether we like it or not. You'll likely have the chance to study the MA again in the future or you may even find another weapon MA that better suits your taste.

Of course, it's up to you and if you don't really want to solve the problem (i.e. leave the Dojo), make sure you inform everyone here so we don't all fret over your plight.

Edited by Leo_E_49 (06/22/05 09:10 AM)
Self Defense
(Website by Marc MacYoung, not me)

#152804 - 06/22/05 03:42 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: Leo_E_49]
Mich Offline

Registered: 06/20/05
Posts: 23
Loc: Washington
Leo--I have to disagree on that.

Your logic says that when a woman is pressured or harrassed by a married man, she is the one that needs to back away and give up. Notice any problems with that?

If Restless wants to train, she should have the option to train as long as she's willing to get her point across. By all means, she should not go along with him or do anything to encourage him, and make it clear that she's not interested or available. But why should she have to leave just because the instructor is overstepping his boundaries?

#152805 - 06/22/05 03:57 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: Mich]
Mich Offline

Registered: 06/20/05
Posts: 23
Loc: Washington

Another idea--

If the class is a self defense class, you can 'innocently' ask your instructor about verbal defense, and how to deal with unwanted attention. That should get the point across pretty well. ;-)

#152806 - 06/22/05 04:25 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: Mich]
harlan Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 07/31/04
Posts: 6665
Loc: Amherst, MA
Gag. This thread is 'restless'. Nothing personal Mich...but if this 'restless' never comes back and decently puts this thread to rest...I am going to have to think of something devious to kill it.

#152807 - 06/22/05 07:31 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: harlan]
MAGr Offline

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 1147
Loc: London, home: Athens
let me help you Harlan....

Let it go people, this thread about some girl and her instructor having a crush, has received more attention then threads like, "I am dying, what can I do?"

I m sure that she can handle herself, and if a married guy is willing to cheat for her, it is also safe to assume that she is also presentable and therefore has friends to help her with her personal life.

#152808 - 06/24/05 03:20 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
still wadowoman Offline
Improved beefier techno-prat

Registered: 04/10/04
Posts: 3420
Loc: Residence:UK- Heart:Md, USA
Unless this instructor has behaved improperly towards you I don't see a problem.

The only things you have mentioned is lots of eye contact and getting you to do admin tasks. Don't do the admin tasks if you don't want to. Eye contact won't kill you.

People have crushes on other people all the time. Unless there is inappropriate comments or touching, I don't see the big deal.
Anyone mind if I sit down?

#152809 - 07/18/05 03:17 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
Intrepidinv1 Offline

Registered: 04/20/05
Posts: 308
Loc: NC, USA
I think there has been some good advice on here. I going to give you some advice as a guy that may have acted like this in the past (please forgive me.) I was always sensitive to the messages sent by the other person. A few cold shoulders, no extra conversation, no extended eye contact, etc. Make sure he knows you are NOT interested. If this does not work then slowly progress to the other comments that might shame him a little. Comments about his wife, your boyfriend, if he's older make a little joke about his age (ego thing), etc. If he doesn't get the message early on then you could confront him and say, look I'm flattered but I'm not interested, I'm here only to take martial arts. If you bring in others and he still doesn't give up then I think you will probably have to find another school. Most guys that have any sense no when to give up. I've been on the wrong side of this myself but I know when to stop, if he doesn't then he has a real problem.

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