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#152770 - 06/06/05 03:37 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: eyrie]
Bushi_no_ki Offline
Veteran

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 1667
Loc: POM, Monterey CA
I agree. You might actually see if there is a counselor in your area that helps women with such a problem. There was one in my area, she mostly handled rape victims, but she also did sessions on "dealing with unwanted attentions". She focused on positive ways to deal with such problems, especially when such attention came from married men.

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#152771 - 06/06/05 09:39 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: Bushi_no_ki]
MAGr Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 1147
Loc: London, home: Athens
I think the best way is to make up a story instead of confronting him so that you dont create awkwardness.
E.g.:
"I have met this guy who is married and he is coming on to me, that is sooo disgusting, dont you think teacher? I mean I would NEVER do anything with a married man, and i cant believe he would even consider hitting on me!, what do you think, you are married.... I KNOW you would never cheat on your wife she is such a lovely woman!" etc etc.....

I think that would work quite well!

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#152772 - 06/06/05 10:00 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: eyrie]
harlan Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 07/31/04
Posts: 6665
Loc: Amherst, MA
I think that resigning extra duties, and highlighting that you want the interaction to be limited to a basic money for teaching XXX hrs/week is a good thing for you.

I would suggest that you really look at why you resist the idea of leaving the dojo.

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#152773 - 06/06/05 12:16 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
JohnL Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 03/24/03
Posts: 4309
Loc: NY, NY, USA
Hi Restless

Don't make up stories, don't make up excuses, just say it the way it is. You have to make a decision though as to wether you want to continue training at your existing place or not.

If you want to stay - Go and talk to him. Tell him that you think he's hitting on you and it's not welcome. Tell him that his wife would think it unwelcome as well. Stop doing "additional" duties. They're not required. See if his behavior changes.

If you want to leave - Go tell him why you're leaving and then do it.

You say that it's obvious that he has a crush on you. It may be obvious to you but not to him. He may not have a crush on you and is simply being nice.
_________________________
John L

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#152774 - 06/06/05 12:30 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: JohnL]
MAGr Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 1147
Loc: London, home: Athens
I m sorry but i refuse to give a serious answer to your question.

Your instructor has a crush on you?, then ask advice from an agony aunt, or your friends!

This is not really the topic in my opinion, even for the teaching/learning forum

Anyway it takes two to tango!

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#152775 - 06/06/05 03:25 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: MAGr]
Galen Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/04
Posts: 381
Quote:

I m sorry but i refuse to give a serious answer to your question.

Your instructor has a crush on you?, then ask advice from an agony aunt, or your friends!

This is not really the topic in my opinion, even for the teaching/learning forum

Anyway it takes two to tango!




Spoken like a true insensitive clod.

Well done. You have just set the concept of male sensitivity back 100 years.

What might not appear to be a problem to you, can be a VERY serious problem to someone else. Its hard to imagine the closed mindedness required to make a post like yours!

Amazing!

Your reponse was not only insulting, but far more pointless than you accuse the original post of being.

I know from experience how difficult this situation can be. I knew a girl at the club where I went up through the ranks who had to suffer because our Head Instructor was married and hitting on her.

To the original poster, JohnL hit it on the head. Be upright and honest. It can only serve the situation well.

Galen
_________________________
Nothing imperfect is the measure of anything!

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#152776 - 06/06/05 03:36 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
BuDoc Offline
The doctor will see you now

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 1067
Loc: USA and Abroad
JohnL has given the best response here. This all comes down to personal human weakness. His and yours.

You are paying for a service. You know you would not tolerate this from your doctor, auto mechanic, grocery clerk, etc. You would take your business elsewhere.

If you are paying to be uncomfortable, nothing we can say can help you. If you have misunderstood, clear it up.

If you are correct, it is incumbent upon you to not only get yourself out of the situation, but make it known to others so that he can not do it again.
_________________________
Medical Advisor for the Somolian National Sumo Team

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#152777 - 06/06/05 05:27 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: BuDoc]
Ryushosen Offline
Newbie

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 13
You know, you could always talk to his wife about it.

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#152778 - 06/06/05 05:29 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: BuDoc]
restless Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 27
Except the "tango" comment (I'm not much of a dancer anyway), thanks again for the advice.

If I decide to have "the talk" with him, I would say something about his position as a role model, since he prides that at least on some level. That will probably have a stronger effect than me just being personally upset.

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#152779 - 06/06/05 05:38 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: Ryushosen]
restless Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 27
Quote:

You know, you could always talk to his wife about it.


Yes I can. She shows up at competitions..imagine the drama!

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