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#152760 - 06/05/05 04:10 PM Dealing with instructor with a crush
restless Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 27
I don't know how to deal with a married instructor who obviously has a crush on me. I don't care as long as he leaves me alone, and doesn't treat me any other than the rest. But well..he doesn't. In addition to staring and trying to get eye contact constantly, it is like he is knitting this little web of different tasks so I sort of have to deal with him a lot. I like the dojo and I'm interested in helping out...but without a married guy as a tail. Any advice on how to get out the situation without making trouble?

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#152761 - 06/05/05 04:27 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
SANCHIN31 Offline
Former Moderator

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 3783
Loc: Arkansas, U.S.
I would leave and check into another school asap!
_________________________
Skinny,Bald,and Handsome! Fightingarts Warrior of the year

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#152762 - 06/05/05 04:54 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: SANCHIN31]
restless Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 27
There are no other schools in the area.

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#152763 - 06/05/05 04:58 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
SANCHIN31 Offline
Former Moderator

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 3783
Loc: Arkansas, U.S.
If he is not the head instructor go to the head instructor and tell him/her what's going on. If he is tell him that you can't possibly learn what you're paying for and don't appreciate the uncomfortableness,but I don't think either of these will really fix the problem.You need to leave.
Where do you live where one school is the only school?
_________________________
Skinny,Bald,and Handsome! Fightingarts Warrior of the year

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#152764 - 06/05/05 09:22 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
Victor Smith Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 06/01/00
Posts: 3219
Loc: Derry, NH
Newbie,

The only sane answer is to leave and find something else of interest to spend your time.

I have seen nothing but trouble when instructors intermix with students. It's an example of an instructor who was very poorly taught and doesn't understand and accept that their role must involve the highest level of respect for the student.

That the instructor is making you uncomfortable is a sure sign of trouble to come.

But the 'industry' of karate is unregulated, and no professional conduct ethics exist.

Instead any amateur can have a school.

A dojo might be fun, but you've described the makings of a disaster and that you cannot ignore.

Please consider your options very carefully,
_________________________
victor smith bushi no te isshinryu offering free instruction for 30 years

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#152765 - 06/05/05 09:40 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
eyrie Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 12/28/04
Posts: 3106
Loc: QLD, Australia
Whilst I do not deny that predatory sexual behaviour does not occur in the MA, perhaps, you're reading too much into it. There is nothing wrong with maintaining eye contact or staring. There is also nothing wrong with engaging a person on a personal level.

However, when the behaviour becomes overtly casual, with sexual connotations (e.g. inappropriate touching, brushing up, leaning over, lewd remarks or gestures, etc.) then you have a problem.

In any case, you need to establish what your personal and spatial boundaries are and learn to control your own space. i.e. develop your spatial awareness skills, change your posture, speak loudly and clearly, step away and maintain your distance, tell him if he is invading your space, etc. etc. etc.

Learn to recognize the signs, when the line is about to be crossed, and learn how to respond. My advise would be to see a qualified counselor in your area.

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#152766 - 06/05/05 11:30 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: eyrie]
Bushi_no_ki Offline
Veteran

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 1667
Loc: POM, Monterey CA
You're pretty much stuck with two options. Leave the school, or talk to the head instructor, whoever that may be. If he weren't married, there might be less of a problem here, if you were more comfortable with the situation, but in this matter, he's showing a lack of moral judgement. I would suggest you try and see if there is anything within a reasonable distance if you can't work things out where you are.

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#152767 - 06/05/05 11:51 PM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
oldman Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 07/28/04
Posts: 5884
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Trust your gut.

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#152768 - 06/06/05 01:18 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: oldman]
restless Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/04
Posts: 27
Thanks for the support! The instructor is the head instructor. Btw. it is not karate, this is a sensible forum so I decided to ask here anyway. (I practice karate as well in another club). Eyrie: Thanks for mentioning the boundaries. There have been some situations where I've should have been clearer towards him, instead of polite despite of feeling uneasy. I'm thinking of resigning all my administrative tasks and staying out of the social happenings, so there is less contact with him. I'm not very good with giving guys "a talk", unfortunately.

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#152769 - 06/06/05 03:34 AM Re: Dealing with instructor with a crush [Re: restless]
eyrie Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 12/28/04
Posts: 3106
Loc: QLD, Australia
You're welcome. BTW, all the stuff I mentioned b4, *is* self-defence".

Avoidance can be useful, but it does not address the problem long term. Being aggressive is one thing, being assertive is quite another. Perhaps your assertiveness needs to come forward a bit more so you can give guys "the talk".

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