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#132275 - 04/17/03 05:36 AM student crush

Here's a question for those of you that teach:
Have you ever had a student that had a crush on you and how did you deal with it?
Fortunately, I am not one of life's "beautiful people" so it has only happened a couple of times but I found it very embarrasing.

#132276 - 04/17/03 08:23 AM Re: student crush
Budoka Offline

Registered: 05/26/02
Posts: 120
Loc: Frankston Victoria Australia
This happens all the time to me (it is hard being this good looking). By the way i am joking but this has happened a few times. It can be a real problem. I usually try and ignore it but sometimes the situation has to be addressed. I have found it quite hard as i always have it in the back of my head "what if she gets embarresed and tells everyone something happened between us". Things like this frighten the S*** out of me as i have heard of this happening a few times.
I can see why this happens as i have found myself several times the male figure in these peoples lives. Either as the husband or the father figure. Sensei seems to have the qualities they look for in a partner, strength, honour, authority, leadership and most importantly love. I love all my students.
I think it is very important to never have relations with a student. My old Sensei is notorious for it, he has never had a girlfriend that wasnt a student. The problems faced by him have been that they dont see him as the man that he is, the man with emotions, the man that farts in bead, the man that eats with his mouth open, they just view him as Sensei. They never love him because their expectations are so high and he just cant live up to them. Another problem is emotional detachment from their partner in the dojo. This was the main reason i left this teacher. Neither him or his partner could distinguish the difference between student, teacher and lover.
I see no positives to this situation at all.
Unless they are a hottie! (only joking again).

#132277 - 04/17/03 08:39 AM Re: student crush
UKfightfreak Offline
Professional Poster

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 2599
Loc: San Francisco
Budoka: Completely agree.

I also think you have to be careful, especially if you do private tuition, as allegations are common, especially in the face of rejection.

#132278 - 04/18/03 04:11 AM Re: student crush

Yeah private tuition is a minefield for men especially. I would reccomend guys, for your own protection, that if you are privately teaching a female or even a male under 18 that you have someone else present whenever possible, either your partner or a senior student. The same goes if you give a student a lift to and from the dojo, which I often do. Even in the dojo, where I often touch the students to place arms, legs or hips etc, men have to be so much more careful.

Back to the crush thing, Budoka, how DO you address this kind of situation? I have always ignored it because how embarrasing would it be to address it and it turns out you are wrong (which nine times out of ten, your admirer would say you were even if you were not).

Another problem I have had is with wives of students, and occasionally, wives of other instructors being jealous of my imagined relationship with their husband for no good reason. I find it strange because once I have a gi on, that sort of thing honestly never enters my head.

As for dating students, I think it is a minefield but I have known instructors to end up married to a student. These are not usually the type of instructor that stalk all their students of the opposite sex (I have met that type too)

I am getting married in July to a fellow instructor, who I used to train with, but our courting was done outside, NEVER in the dojo. He is senior to me so I often train under him now and when I do he is always Sensei and I show him the same respect I would show any other instructor.


#132279 - 04/18/03 05:02 AM Re: student crush
Budoka Offline

Registered: 05/26/02
Posts: 120
Loc: Frankston Victoria Australia
The way i address the situation is to be honest. I call it like it is. Usually it is a teenage girl and if i dont confront them i just distance myself from them and get a different Sensei within the school to take over their tuition.
We have had (and still do have) a real jealousy problem within the dojo with partners of students. We have a female black belt who is very attractive. She is a very "touchy feely" type person. When she is having a conversation with you she makes body contact with you. A lot of the guys within the dojo have developed feelings for this person because apart from being beautiful she is a great person and an exceptional martial artist. After a while the guys catch on and realise that it is just her way and discontinue persuing her. The wives and girlfriends of the men within the dojo hate this woman. They feel threatened that much that i actually know of relationships that have broken down because of this (including her 14 year marriage). It is quite sad that people judge this great person and try to destroy her reputation because they feel inadequate about themselves. While she is training dilligently and gaining greater fitness and a better physique, these wives and girlfriends are at home watching TV and eating cakes. It is really quite sad.

#132280 - 04/18/03 05:27 AM Re: student crush

Yes it is sad - and ridiculous, I feel sorry for the girl, she can't help being beautiful any more than the rest of us can help being "ordinary". The other females obviously have relationship issues, otherwise they would trust their partner, even if they don't know this girl well enough to trust her. I hope these problems don't discourage her from continuing her training. I hope she realises it is their problem and not hers. As for her own 14 year marriage breaking down, she must have been devastated, but her husband obviously did not trust her and you can not have a successful marriage without trust.
An ex boyfriend of mine was convinced that every male instructor or student I came into contact with only wanted to train with me to get me into bed! He used to try all sorts of ridiculous tricks to stop me going to train. We didn't stay together long.
What about everyone else, some of you must have had a problem with student crushes, don't be shy.

#132281 - 04/24/03 11:11 AM Re: student crush
mark Offline
sword of magnamity

Registered: 03/04/03
Posts: 1284
Loc: uk

I married her!!


#132282 - 04/24/03 11:44 AM Re: student crush

LOL Mark! I knew that.

I am talking about crushes of the unrequited kind. Don't say Suzie was the only one to fall for your good looks and charming manner.

Everyone else here must be very undesirable, very modest or very shy. [IMG][/IMG]

#132283 - 04/25/03 07:20 PM Re: student crush
ishinnick Offline

Registered: 12/25/02
Posts: 182
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Everyone else here must be very undesirable, very modest or very shy. [IMG][/IMG]

#'s 1 + 3 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[This message has been edited by ishinnick (edited 04-25-2003).]

#132284 - 04/25/03 10:27 PM Re: student crush
mark Offline
sword of magnamity

Registered: 03/04/03
Posts: 1284
Loc: uk
Lol, no Sharon, Suzie wasn’t the first.....

I just took ruthless advantage of all the others.........

Truthfully, I still find it very awkward teaching woman 1 to 1.
After all I am only human and NOT immune to.....err... visual appeal!!
So I tend to adopt a very old fashioned sense of propriety.

I should be noted that I teach a University club so there are quite a few young women that train with me.

This is funny, ………… I am very very short sighted, before I had contact lenses, I would spar with out glasses on and I couldn’t focus on arms moving toward me, so I looked at the chest/shoulder area and could see that movement ( just)
So now with contact lenses, I still have this habit, but can see perfectly….I remember when sparring with my top student, who is a very pretty young lady, that she seemed a little uneasy…..It dawned on me that what she saw, was me just staring constantly at her chest…………….Took some explaining I must say!!!!!!

As male sensei we have a great deal of “power” ….easy to take advantage of that……
I pride myself that 50% of my club are female and all of them feel confident with me…….mind you they do see Suzie…each lesson as well… [IMG][/IMG]


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