Posted by: jonnyboxcutter
What I’ve learned since… - 10/21/07 03:29 PM
It’s been some time since I have posted on the boards – bout a year or so I would guess. I know there is already a thread somewhere titled what I learned today – well I’m starting this one because there has just been to many “todays” and way to many things learned for that to work.
About a month after my 2nd degree test I started having some physical issues. After about 6-8 months of suffering through all sorts of pain and indignities I found out I have cancer. It started in the colon, spread into my lymph system from there into my liver. I have intentionally kept myself ignorant of the major details – that’s what the doc gets paid for. I prefer to know as little as possible - it gives me less to think about. All that I know for sure is one tumor is about the size of a lemon, and another is about the size of a walnut.
This will be long anyway so I wont add too much but suffice to say over the last three years I went from having a wife, a company, a house, and a nice car. Now it’s an X-wife, a job, a place to sleep, and I get to put out everyone around me for rids to the hospital.
Due to the timing of those issues I needed to move back to my mothers house. This by itself was bad, once I found out I had cancer my mothers ability to assign blame hit like a baseball bat. Trust me, if you have a steady diet of blame and torment, added with a healthy dose of doctors telling you you’re going to die – expect to spend some time in the hospital, doing a whole bunch of talking. Due to my training she decided that if I went crazy she could not control me so she started boarding herself in her room at night; her paranoia built like a kid hiding from monsters in the closet.
In the past I cut a more intimidating figure, I’m 6’2” and ran about 220-230. I’m currently sitting at 172 but was as low as 148. If lucky I could walk around the block without having to stop and take a break. I spent most of my time at her house outside on the deck watching the humming birds, but to hear her tell it all I ever did was march around dictating orders.
My time at my mother’s house was stacked with pain of all sorts but the physical was the worst. I’ll save the descriptions but there were times I actually thought I was done – and I honestly think it would have been preferable. I was jacked on pain meds that kept me almost non-functional; if I went more than the allotted 4 hour window I could tell. Car rides where the worst, the vibration of the vehicle after just 10-15 min of driving was too much to bare and I would have to stop – these kind of requests only seemed to add to the aggravation and caused more blame to be assigned.
After I got out of the hospital I took about a week to think about it – and enough meds to drop a rhino. After that week I came to the conclusion that my current arrangement was not working and decided I needed to remove my mother from my life; given my state it was a very difficult decision – much more than normal. The move was tolerable because it forced her to go to therapy – she started to become more controlling and aggressive towards my kids. I told her she could no longer spend time with them or me and the only way to fix the situation would be for her to get help. I figured I could swing it because the family was being very helpful and said that they would continue to help. Well as soon as the decision to move was made the family decided that her version was the correct version and what I had to say was irrelevant. Keep in mind everybody has seen her do what she does, but due to some jump in logic when she did it to me some how it was my fault. Look at all she’s been through – ive been told. Some how me losing my Grandmother and Father to cancer doesn’t count, I need to understand her plight because it was her Mother and Husband. For some reason though when she would tell people about me it was – I can’t lose one more to cancer – The cold delivery hurt more than the generic wording – I was in the room for the entire conversation. This will be my last deviation before I get to my point – during my “stay” I was pushed hard – I was there because I lacked self-control and was acting like a terrorist – that’s what I was told at least. It’s difficult to explain but after I got out I was talking to her and fell apart - due to the meds and the stress of the situation. I needed to have her confirm that I didn’t kill my dad, and I told her that I thought I was “violated” during my stay – she had a smile on her face the entire time. Needless to say, she has an interesting way of manipulating information.
Fortunately for me I have a very close friend, I called him after the meds wore off and all this hit me; I told him I need out of the house. It was only meant as conversation not a request but without hesitation he said I could have you out in an hour or first thing in the AM. I’ve been at his house now for about three weeks. Since totally walking away from my family I have pulled myself off all prescribed meds, and I was told by my psychiatrist I don’t need to come back unless I want to talk about something. My last time at the doctor’s office I found out I gained 15-20 pounds, Some Cancer Antigen count dropped from 4,000 to 2,400 and all other testes showed positive. The most negative thing he had to say was the cat scan showed no change from the last one approx 3 months ago – I’ve been off of treatment for 7 weeks when I took this last one.
What I’ve learned since – the mind can do amazing things once it is free of toxic thoughts. Not only have I been able to work through all the things she attempted to do and the realities that she desperately attempted to create, but I have also managed to completely reassign the pain process so that I am able – for now at least –to live pain free. I mean things still hurt but I can manage it when it does. My doctors – who up till now have only seen me under her “care” – are amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in 3 weeks.
I hope to start contributing again, I enjoyed the conversations from before – and hell, I need all the mental stimulation I can get :-)
Out for now, will type more later
-JBC-
About a month after my 2nd degree test I started having some physical issues. After about 6-8 months of suffering through all sorts of pain and indignities I found out I have cancer. It started in the colon, spread into my lymph system from there into my liver. I have intentionally kept myself ignorant of the major details – that’s what the doc gets paid for. I prefer to know as little as possible - it gives me less to think about. All that I know for sure is one tumor is about the size of a lemon, and another is about the size of a walnut.
This will be long anyway so I wont add too much but suffice to say over the last three years I went from having a wife, a company, a house, and a nice car. Now it’s an X-wife, a job, a place to sleep, and I get to put out everyone around me for rids to the hospital.
Due to the timing of those issues I needed to move back to my mothers house. This by itself was bad, once I found out I had cancer my mothers ability to assign blame hit like a baseball bat. Trust me, if you have a steady diet of blame and torment, added with a healthy dose of doctors telling you you’re going to die – expect to spend some time in the hospital, doing a whole bunch of talking. Due to my training she decided that if I went crazy she could not control me so she started boarding herself in her room at night; her paranoia built like a kid hiding from monsters in the closet.
In the past I cut a more intimidating figure, I’m 6’2” and ran about 220-230. I’m currently sitting at 172 but was as low as 148. If lucky I could walk around the block without having to stop and take a break. I spent most of my time at her house outside on the deck watching the humming birds, but to hear her tell it all I ever did was march around dictating orders.
My time at my mother’s house was stacked with pain of all sorts but the physical was the worst. I’ll save the descriptions but there were times I actually thought I was done – and I honestly think it would have been preferable. I was jacked on pain meds that kept me almost non-functional; if I went more than the allotted 4 hour window I could tell. Car rides where the worst, the vibration of the vehicle after just 10-15 min of driving was too much to bare and I would have to stop – these kind of requests only seemed to add to the aggravation and caused more blame to be assigned.
After I got out of the hospital I took about a week to think about it – and enough meds to drop a rhino. After that week I came to the conclusion that my current arrangement was not working and decided I needed to remove my mother from my life; given my state it was a very difficult decision – much more than normal. The move was tolerable because it forced her to go to therapy – she started to become more controlling and aggressive towards my kids. I told her she could no longer spend time with them or me and the only way to fix the situation would be for her to get help. I figured I could swing it because the family was being very helpful and said that they would continue to help. Well as soon as the decision to move was made the family decided that her version was the correct version and what I had to say was irrelevant. Keep in mind everybody has seen her do what she does, but due to some jump in logic when she did it to me some how it was my fault. Look at all she’s been through – ive been told. Some how me losing my Grandmother and Father to cancer doesn’t count, I need to understand her plight because it was her Mother and Husband. For some reason though when she would tell people about me it was – I can’t lose one more to cancer – The cold delivery hurt more than the generic wording – I was in the room for the entire conversation. This will be my last deviation before I get to my point – during my “stay” I was pushed hard – I was there because I lacked self-control and was acting like a terrorist – that’s what I was told at least. It’s difficult to explain but after I got out I was talking to her and fell apart - due to the meds and the stress of the situation. I needed to have her confirm that I didn’t kill my dad, and I told her that I thought I was “violated” during my stay – she had a smile on her face the entire time. Needless to say, she has an interesting way of manipulating information.
Fortunately for me I have a very close friend, I called him after the meds wore off and all this hit me; I told him I need out of the house. It was only meant as conversation not a request but without hesitation he said I could have you out in an hour or first thing in the AM. I’ve been at his house now for about three weeks. Since totally walking away from my family I have pulled myself off all prescribed meds, and I was told by my psychiatrist I don’t need to come back unless I want to talk about something. My last time at the doctor’s office I found out I gained 15-20 pounds, Some Cancer Antigen count dropped from 4,000 to 2,400 and all other testes showed positive. The most negative thing he had to say was the cat scan showed no change from the last one approx 3 months ago – I’ve been off of treatment for 7 weeks when I took this last one.
What I’ve learned since – the mind can do amazing things once it is free of toxic thoughts. Not only have I been able to work through all the things she attempted to do and the realities that she desperately attempted to create, but I have also managed to completely reassign the pain process so that I am able – for now at least –to live pain free. I mean things still hurt but I can manage it when it does. My doctors – who up till now have only seen me under her “care” – are amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in 3 weeks.
I hope to start contributing again, I enjoyed the conversations from before – and hell, I need all the mental stimulation I can get :-)
Out for now, will type more later
-JBC-
(sarcasm),