I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble.

Posted by: KarateGirl07

I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 03:53 AM

I don't know if this is the right place to post but I thought I would post in this forum because it is karate related.

On New Years Eve I was raped, I then started taking Karate the 18th of January (never new I would need it so much).

Thing is is that ever since the rape,I have a very hard time focusing on things, and I get very overwhelmed easily. My Karate instructor even said something to me about it because she said I looked like I was going to cry everytime I was messing up on something (which I wanted to).

I really think that class has helped since the rape, I just started a new semester of karate 3 weeks ago, but it seems now that I have moved on to the male instructor(s), I am having a horrible time focusing and trusting.

I know I can trust people in the class but for some reason my brain keeps telling me I am not safe. This is making me upset because I love this class and do not want to give it up.

My female instructor is the only one who knows about the rape, and I don't want the 4 male instructors to know about it, but how do I tell them how I am feeling without telling them I was raped and a lot of the moves (the holds and such) scare me.

Karate has given me confidence since January, but now it seems like I am going back down hill... maybe it is because I haven't dealt with the rape fully and it is just taking over my mind set.

I am now on of the "slow" learners in the class and I feel like everyone is frusterated with me and wants me to quit, I don't want to but if people are just going to not want me there maybe I should.

I don't know if I make sense, and I apologize if I don't.

I feel pathetic.I need help with this
Posted by: Ironfoot

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 08:30 AM

KarateGirl, are you receiving counselling? Perhaps a professional can help you through this tough period. I think martial arts will help you with your self-esteem over the long haul, but please seek help from a therapist if you haven't already. We're all pulling for you. And remember: your rapist is the pathetic one - you were just his victim.
Posted by: BrianS

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 11:24 AM

I agree with Ironfoot. I think you should seek counseling if you aren't already.
Good luck and God bless.
Posted by: Victor Smith

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 12:17 PM

My friend,

You need to get involved with a group or counselor that can give you support for the very deep emotions you are having to deal with. Any traumatic event, such as you have experienced, is something that is not put aside in a few days or weeks.

Your reponse is not a weakness on your part and you need continuing support to help you come to deal with it.

I think you will find that karate training will help you understand your own worth and ability as you progress, but it is not an instant answer.

You need someone that you can level with and can work with you through each crisis until you find your own stability.

The advice you have been given seeking counseling, or a rape crisis center, or a women's crisis center would be a good thing for you to follow up with.

As you are a complex person, there is not one simple answer that will make things better in your life. Use your complexity to find a number of different answers and pursue them.
Posted by: Neko456

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 01:27 PM

I agree with the others you should seek counseling. But I believe that you should tell the Cheif instructor male or female that you were assaulted and thats your main purpose in taking the class along with that you enjoy the training.

Prepare your mind you have to get use to male contact, its call facing your fears we all have them. You have to learn to put the past behind you and work toward the future. You can do it many ways, Karate or Martial art class is one. It lets you face it mono mono physically and mentally, in a controlled enviroment. This is something you will need in your daily life in business, personal life and relationships, men are everywhere. You don't have to trust them, but learn to trust your inner-self then learn to live around them. You fear failure and relive that incident in your subconcisous, learn to face it use it to prepare yourself. We all have our fears what this can lead to is learning not to fail don't start quitting.
Don't worry about being one of the slowest learners in class, just try to learn what you know well. U know the reason why, once they no the reason they can support you. By giving you the time and confidence to get past this.

One of my fears years ago (and still is) was being surrounded by a group of attackers I got beat pretty bad as a 10 year old once. I used this fear even today in training I pity the 1st guy I contact with coming out of the pack. Use your fear, channel it so it is a positive, though like me you may never totally get rid of it, make some else pay for it.

By the way I'm a old guy in my mid 40s now a BB Instructor I still have that fear, but I've learned to live with and control it. You can too.

I'm not comparing incidents just saying that you can get past this, but you got to keep trying. Don't be ashame, you don't have to let people know your business but tell the people that have a need to know you so they can help you.
Knowing what to expect is being prepared. Face it and defeat it, but never forget.
Posted by: Xibalba

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 02:27 PM

Welcome to the forums, karategirl07.

First off, let me say that I am truly sorry that you experienced an assault as violent and disturbing as rape.

I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) and have some years of experience doing crisis counseling and other crisis-related work. My wife also has an MSW and was for years a Sexual Assault Counselor. Your reactions to your experience - as frustrating and at times debilitating as they are - are completely normal and to be expected. It sounds to me as if you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD manifests after a traumatic event in the form of heightened anxiety, inability to focus and concentrate, increased "startle response", feelings of impending danger for no logical reason, and sometimes even vivid flashbacks of the event itself. PTSD is common in survivors of war, violent crime, sexual assault, and other traumatic events. I have not only worked with people who suffered from PTSD, but fought a bout with it myself after witnessing a shooting at an agency where I once was employed.

The keys to effectively dealing with this have already been mentioned: get professional help, and give yourself time to heal. Hopefully your body is already physically healed, but it often takes much work to heal your spirit after such an experience. Martial arts can be a great way to gain a sense of confidence after such an event and to help yourself get back in touch with your body, but it is possible that the "martial" aspect of the training may be distasteful at first after experiencing real violence firsthand. Keep up with your training if you wish, but give yourself plenty of slack if you feel like you are backsliding.

If you live in the States, most counties have a Community Mental Health Board whom you can contact to get you started in your search for some helpful services. Counseling is often helpful (I found it to be so after my experience), but psychiatrists can also prescribe medications if your anxiety becomes so great that it impacts your daily functioning. The key is to check out what help is available and see what is right for you.

Good luck, karategirl07. Feel free to let me know if you need anything else. And here is hoping you stick around on the forum - there are some cool folks here, and we have some great martial arts related discussions.

Peace,
Mike
Posted by: Saisho

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 03:28 PM

Quote:

I am now on of the "slow" learners in the class and I feel like everyone is frusterated with me and wants me to quit, I don't want to but if people are just going to not want me there maybe I should.



Karate is not something that requires you to learn at any given pace. If you learn more slowly, that is your parogative. If others get upset, that is their problem.
Posted by: cxt

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/19/07 06:24 PM

karategirl

Your makieng perfect sense.

Your "brain keeps telling your not safe" because you have had a very traumatic experience, and you absolutly need to get professional counsuling for the trauma.

Couple of buddies of mine just back from Iraq needed some help to get thu some trauma they suffered--there is NOTHING wrong with getting the help you need.

I would not let your perceptions of "everyone wants me to quit" get to you either.

Pretty much everyone has felt that way at one time or another and its almost NEVER the actual feelings of the teachers/students.

Personally I would rather teach people that take some time to work things out than "naturals" that generally peak to soon and almost never last--they also seldom really listen to what your trying to tell them.
Posted by: underdog

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/20/07 08:01 AM

Many women in martial arts were once victims. That is often the reason they want to study. You should be in some kind of victim assistance. Don't use the MA school that way because they aren't trained for that and they are not staffed for it and it puts them in an awkward position. You can tell them so that they can be sensative to the issue and avoid causing more harm by saying the wrong thing, or expecting you to do self defense maneuvers that too closely resemble your assault, but don't use them for crisis intervention.

You may have a hard time now, you may take time off, you may quit, you may dig in and stick with this through the crisis. Only you know what is right for you. Do whatever makes you most comfortable. Karate just isn't as important as having your head together, particularly if it is becoming a source of additional stress. Conserve your resources for the things you really NEED to do like take care of yourself.
Posted by: Neko456

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/20/07 12:53 PM

I agree with most of what is posted. You do need to seek professional counseling and get as much a support group help as you can, If you haven't already.

But I want to add, you obviously are stronger then you think, a lot of victims don't come out swing like you have.
In 18 days you already making progess using your will to drive you forward, facing your fears.

We don't know if you have already talked with a professional on this matter are not. Either way you are stronger then MOST, a lot victims go into reclusion and avoid contact with the outside world. They make limited contact they work, hurry home and hide.

You on the other hand are out doing something with your time and preparing yourself for contact with the world and Men. Some people that have gone through this it takes many months if not years to be able to socailize in a group or get close to another man thats not family. So though you feel strange that you are reacting the way you are toward male contact its normal and you way ahead on the road to recovering.

Though I'm not a specialist or professional on matters like your assault. I have known and seen women and men suffer tremendously from it and as I mention it takes many months if not years of counseling to start wanting to socailized and make progress, to get to the point you are at.

You are tougher then you give yourself credit for you come out swing. You only question what you should. Can I trust this guy and you should having gone thru what you have. Now you need to flip the script mentally have him wonder can he trust YOU, before you kick him in the balls. Now we don't want you turning pit bull, but do learn to ride out your fears and make it a positive like you have instead of being a reclusive person.

Personally I think you are years ahead on the road to recovering. Your fears and apperhensions are normal even for a strong person. I consider myself a positive strong person but the world gets pretty small when I'm surrounded by a group of antagonist. As I mentioned I feel sorry for the guy standing in my way of out.

I see you on the road of recovery because its your WILL, you proved that because you are out and about. Stay positive, don't hide. Get support in every way or form. Practice socailizing as U are doing. Its not what makes us feel safe, its what makes us feel normal and free.

None of us are safe, in that anything can happen at anytime.
So its normal not to feel safe as a survivor, most Combat vets never feel safe they question the abnormal. Feeling safe is dropping your guards.

Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 03:22 AM

Quote:

KarateGirl, are you receiving counselling? Perhaps a professional can help you through this tough period. I think martial arts will help you with your self-esteem over the long haul, but please seek help from a therapist if you haven't already. We're all pulling for you. And remember: your rapist is the pathetic one - you were just his victim.





Thank you for your reply. I am in the process of finding a counselor right now, i have only told one person about what happened and they made me feel worse about it. I was hoping that taking karate again this semester would help me get past this but now I know it doesnt make sense, and I need help. I knew I needed help but I have been to afraid too but I need to get past that because I am starting to annoy myself.
Thank you very much for your advice:) It was very helpful!
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 03:23 AM

Quote:

I agree with Ironfoot. I think you should seek counseling if you aren't already.
Good luck and God bless.



Thanks so much, that means a lot!:)
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 03:28 AM

Quote:

My friend,

You need to get involved with a group or counselor that can give you support for the very deep emotions you are having to deal with. Any traumatic event, such as you have experienced, is something that is not put aside in a few days or weeks.

Your reponse is not a weakness on your part and you need continuing support to help you come to deal with it.

I think you will find that karate training will help you understand your own worth and ability as you progress, but it is not an instant answer.

You need someone that you can level with and can work with you through each crisis until you find your own stability.

The advice you have been given seeking counseling, or a rape crisis center, or a women's crisis center would be a good thing for you to follow up with.

As you are a complex person, there is not one simple answer that will make things better in your life. Use your complexity to find a number of different answers and pursue them.



Thank you for your reply! I don't know why I thought if I would just ignore what happened it would go away but that is not the case at all. I have realized that now, and I am looking into counseling... except it doesnt seem as though there are many counseling areas around me which stinks. There is a male counselor I was referred to but I did not want to go to a male.

I thought for some reason karate could heal this (which is really stupid) because it made me gain confidence by the end of last semester but now that I have started a new semester with new instructors, the feelings about the rape are coming back full force.

I will be looking for groups in the area as well! Thank you so much for the advice!!
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 03:44 AM

Quote:

I agree with the others you should seek counseling. But I believe that you should tell the Cheif instructor male or female that you were assaulted and thats your main purpose in taking the class along with that you enjoy the training.

Prepare your mind you have to get use to male contact, its call facing your fears we all have them. You have to learn to put the past behind you and work toward the future. You can do it many ways, Karate or Martial art class is one. It lets you face it mono mono physically and mentally, in a controlled enviroment. This is something you will need in your daily life in business, personal life and relationships, men are everywhere. You don't have to trust them, but learn to trust your inner-self then learn to live around them. You fear failure and relive that incident in your subconcisous, learn to face it use it to prepare yourself. We all have our fears what this can lead to is learning not to fail don't start quitting.
Don't worry about being one of the slowest learners in class, just try to learn what you know well. U know the reason why, once they no the reason they can support you. By giving you the time and confidence to get past this.

One of my fears years ago (and still is) was being surrounded by a group of attackers I got beat pretty bad as a 10 year old once. I used this fear even today in training I pity the 1st guy I contact with coming out of the pack. Use your fear, channel it so it is a positive, though like me you may never totally get rid of it, make some else pay for it.

By the way I'm a old guy in my mid 40s now a BB Instructor I still have that fear, but I've learned to live with and control it. You can too.

I'm not comparing incidents just saying that you can get past this, but you got to keep trying. Don't be ashame, you don't have to let people know your business but tell the people that have a need to know you so they can help you.
Knowing what to expect is being prepared. Face it and defeat it, but never forget.









Thank you for the response. I waited until April (when I started the karate class in January) to tell my lady instructor that I was sexually assaulted. I did not go into detail (because I don’t want anyone to know) but I did tell her some of the grabs and such made me quite uncomfortable. She was happy that I told her because she said she noticed that every time It came to doing grabs and such it looked like I was going to cry. I asked her not to tell the other 4 instructors who are all male, and she agreed not to.

I have let males touch be this semester and it is not as bad as I thought it was but I did notice that I do start shaking a whole lot and can not focus when I have a male partner, I am trying really hard to trust, and know that I am safe inside of the class room. My males instructors tell me all the time that I am safe in the room and that nobody will do anything because they would stop them before they could.

It is so hard, because I never used to be a quitter I used to always keep going. Right now though I feel like giving up, I feel horrible because while people in the class say “everyone has their own pace in karate” I can feel people getting frustrated at me and that makes me feel bad to know that I can not do what others can. Given I am just newly a white belt and have only been practicing karate for about 4 to 4 ½ months were as the next people up have been practicing for a year or more. I guess I am tougher on myself than I need to be, and I get frustrated, which isn’t good. I never used to be like that.

“Use your fear, channel it so it is a positive, though like me you may never totally get rid of it, make some else pay for it.” And “Face it and defeat it, but never forget” I like this, and that is exactly what I need to do Easier said than done but if I try it could happen.

You gave great advice, thanks so much. I am starting to feel a bit better!
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 03:55 AM

Quote:

Welcome to the forums, karategirl07.

First off, let me say that I am truly sorry that you experienced an assault as violent and disturbing as rape.

I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) and have some years of experience doing crisis counseling and other crisis-related work. My wife also has an MSW and was for years a Sexual Assault Counselor. Your reactions to your experience - as frustrating and at times debilitating as they are - are completely normal and to be expected. It sounds to me as if you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD manifests after a traumatic event in the form of heightened anxiety, inability to focus and concentrate, increased "startle response", feelings of impending danger for no logical reason, and sometimes even vivid flashbacks of the event itself. PTSD is common in survivors of war, violent crime, sexual assault, and other traumatic events. I have not only worked with people who suffered from PTSD, but fought a bout with it myself after witnessing a shooting at an agency where I once was employed.

The keys to effectively dealing with this have already been mentioned: get professional help, and give yourself time to heal. Hopefully your body is already physically healed, but it often takes much work to heal your spirit after such an experience. Martial arts can be a great way to gain a sense of confidence after such an event and to help yourself get back in touch with your body, but it is possible that the "martial" aspect of the training may be distasteful at first after experiencing real violence firsthand. Keep up with your training if you wish, but give yourself plenty of slack if you feel like you are backsliding.

If you live in the States, most counties have a Community Mental Health Board whom you can contact to get you started in your search for some helpful services. Counseling is often helpful (I found it to be so after my experience), but psychiatrists can also prescribe medications if your anxiety becomes so great that it impacts your daily functioning. The key is to check out what help is available and see what is right for you.

Good luck, karategirl07. Feel free to let me know if you need anything else. And here is hoping you stick around on the forum - there are some cool folks here, and we have some great martial arts related discussions.

Peace,
Mike







After you mentioned that you thought that I was dealing with PTSD I looked it up on the internet and I would have to say it describes what I am feeling a whole lot.

I am looking in counseling at this moment, I have been since like a month ago, and actually made an appointment but was too afraid to go in because I have been to counseling before (because of different things) and did not find it helpful because the counselor was rude and angry.

It was a weird time that karate popped into my life because I was raped and already signed up before the class before I was raped. I didn’t know what to do to drop the class or go, and I decided that it would come in really useful for me. I didn’t know there would be so much contact from other people, I mean not so much, but we do touch each other.

I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for backsliding but I am because I have walked into a conversation in the ladies restroom of the class, and over heard two girls talking about how slow I am and how I don’t punch right and kick hard enough. I didn’t say anything, and I just looked at them and left the bathroom, I was hurt by what I heard, and so now I do know that people are getting fed up with having to go slower because I am a slower learner. I mean, I get most of what we do right away there are some parts that make me way too uncomfortable to do.

I will be looking into all of these things you have mentioned and thank you for being so friendly to me, this board is a very kind board to post at and I believe I will be sticking around here
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 03:59 AM

Quote:

Quote:

I am now on of the "slow" learners in the class and I feel like everyone is frusterated with me and wants me to quit, I don't want to but if people are just going to not want me there maybe I should.



Karate is not something that requires you to learn at any given pace. If you learn more slowly, that is your parogative. If others get upset, that is their problem.




Thank you for saying that, It makes me feel better. My instructors have said that a couple of times, and told me to just focus on me and not worry about what the others think.

I for some reason can not stop worrying about what others think because I walked on in a converstation about me about how these two girls were sick of going slow and over and over this one kata that I can't get down. It made me feel bad, and continues to because they are green belts and have to help in teaching us, which means they are rude to me every time I am working with them.
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 04:04 AM

Quote:

karategirl

Your makieng perfect sense.

Your "brain keeps telling your not safe" because you have had a very traumatic experience, and you absolutly need to get professional counsuling for the trauma.

Couple of buddies of mine just back from Iraq needed some help to get thu some trauma they suffered--there is NOTHING wrong with getting the help you need.

I would not let your perceptions of "everyone wants me to quit" get to you either.

Pretty much everyone has felt that way at one time or another and its almost NEVER the actual feelings of the teachers/students.

Personally I would rather teach people that take some time to work things out than "naturals" that generally peak to soon and almost never last--they also seldom really listen to what your trying to tell them.





Thanks for your response

I will keep that in mind, my one instructor has thanked me before because I seriously do take my time and make sure that I listen to what they say. Where as there are a few who decide they have it all down with out the instructors help and blow off any help from the instructors.

I guess people are saying that having 4 ½ months of training in karate is really nothing, and that I need to take it easy on myself because it is natural to be at the place I am for being a white belt. I don’t see it that way, but I guess I need to start taking their advice because that is how I will stay sane.
Posted by: KarateGirl07

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/22/07 04:13 AM

Quote:

Many women in martial arts were once victims. That is often the reason they want to study. You should be in some kind of victim assistance. Don't use the MA school that way because they aren't trained for that and they are not staffed for it and it puts them in an awkward position. You can tell them so that they can be sensative to the issue and avoid causing more harm by saying the wrong thing, or expecting you to do self defense maneuvers that too closely resemble your assault, but don't use them for crisis intervention.

You may have a hard time now, you may take time off, you may quit, you may dig in and stick with this through the crisis. Only you know what is right for you. Do whatever makes you most comfortable. Karate just isn't as important as having your head together, particularly if it is becoming a source of additional stress. Conserve your resources for the things you really NEED to do like take care of yourself.






I signed up for the class before I was raped, and then I decided to go ahead and take the class anyway because I knew it would teach me to defend myself. I didn’t take it thinking that I would be “cured” after I took it but I took it thinking that I would have knowledge in defending myself. I never thought they would be a crisis intervention and never intended to use them as one.

I have told my female instructor that I was sexually assaulted and that the grabs and such made me quite uncomfortable and she was happy that I talked to her. I waited until April to tell her or someone because I was afraid to say anything about it, and I was (am) embarrassed about it. I didn’t have an ongoing conversation with her about it, although she offered to talk about it but I told her I wasn’t comfortable talking with her (or anyone) about it and she respected that.

I am seriously, thinking about taking a semester off of karate to take care of myself and get the help I need that way I can get back in there and focus on what I need to in karate. I will see what kind of help I can get with places around me, and hopefully I will finally be in a position that I am comfortable with

Thanks for the advice!
Posted by: hedkikr

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/23/07 12:52 PM

karategirl...I'm also a mental health professional & agree 100% w/ Xibalba. I'm not going to "analyze" you over a forum but here's my nugget: rather than think of yourself as a victim, you need to see yourself for what you really are; a survivor. This is more than semantics, PC or happy-talk, it's a fact. Accept this and your outlook will change.

By looking @ yourself as a victim, you may become overly critical w/ yourself which often comes from the "Why didn't I prevent it" mind-set. Not to be dismissive but $h!T happens.

I have to disagree w/ Neko...you don't need to tell your male instructors. No one but the people you feel comfortable telling need to know. It's not an issue of "face your fears"; it's about healing taking it's own time. My wrist took 9 mos. & a surgery to heal after it was broken. What would have happened if I "faced my fears" & went back into training 1 month after the injury? That's right, it would be permanently damaged.

Finally, if you're having trouble finding good counseling, you might want to try a local university. They usually have counseling centers, groups & referrals. The fact you're proactive tells me you have more strength than you recognize Stay strong & don't assume that your tears, fears or feelings of powerlessness are signs of weakness; they're just part of the healing process.

You will be better.
Posted by: horizon

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/23/07 03:38 PM

Hello karategirl.

First of all I would like to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. A lot of people have given good advise.
I would like to wish you all the best and all the strength to get through this.
Posted by: Neko456

Re: I'm taking Karate, but I am having trouble. - 06/24/07 06:34 PM

KarateGirl07 - I'm glad you are getting help and you continue socailizing and may continue your Karate training.

As for students with one year of training commenting on beginners being slow or not doing the techniques right that is pretty common. They didn't do it in your face you happen upon it. Don't feel bad about the obvious that is them looking past were they have been, 8 months ago they were struggling to attain proficency also. But as you already have said you are too hard on yourself there is no way you are going to be as good in 4 months as others with 12 months of training. You have the answers, stop thinking its all your fault. This could, does and has happen to many others.

I feel your progress is a sign of your strength in will and tenacity, this is not a easy resolution. But stay with it don't quit unless you feel more harm then good from it.
If you need time off from the Karate class do what makes you feel best, by all means don't stop your forward progress.

You speak of progress that now male contact makes you nervous but tolarable. As for facing your fears, it is defeating the mental barriers that stop us from progress. Knowing fear is a good thing it helps us to prepare and be aware to be stronger and it warns and protects us with danger signs.

People can be too literal. Don't let that stop you from your mental, spritual and physical healing. You obviously knew what I meant. Some try to be a distraction that they would compare a simple wrist injury with the board concept of facing your fears and the lack of common sense that others wouldn't know surgery and inactivity would heal a that injury.

There has to be mental progress before any physical process can be made with almost any concisous body movement. Stay willful and strong, KarateGirl07.