Dealing with instructor with a crush

Telling his wife was a joke. The wife will find out about his ways with other women without my help.

Please let us know what you do and how this turns out.

He's done this before?
Maybe you should refer his wife to a good divorce lawyer if this is the case.

Bushi_no_ki: Not that I know of. But if a married man want to cross that line, he is just waiting for the opportunity. IMO.

I'm well over 18. But I have to disagree with you. Dealing with someone in a power position is not quite the same as dealing with other guys. You have to be smart and tactic.

Why do you give someone power over you? Be honest with yourself...no need to respond in this forum.

everyone has avoided the begging question that is not very p.c. but needs to be asked (although Harlan hinted to it)

"Is she cute?"

Do you hesitate because you are attracted to her? or because there really isn't any other place to train?

I'm a she. And there really is no other place to train this art. And I like it a lot, it suits me.

Yes, he is hot, but the instructor assistant is super hot.

Well, 'restless'...aren't they all hot? Those wonderful hunky, buff karate dudes that...POP!

You have yet to mention the art that is so important to you.

No, they aren't.

It is a weapons art.

Yes? So...you study a rare Koryu with only a few select people? Doesn't sound like it...they way you hint that there are other students. Why don't you change arts? What are your reasons for not doing so?

I study Matayoshi Kobudo, and if I am lucky, get a little Goju in before class is over. I wanted Jodo...emailed Japan, got referred to the USA, to NYC, to Cambridge, tracked down another in my actual town...only to find after all that effort that instruction was impossible for me to get to. Word of mouth, and I luck into someone who teaches weapons, privately...and for free.

If you aren't 'free' to leave, you will never wield a weapon seriously.

You just have to believe me (or not) when I say that there is no alternative in my town.

I would deal with the "extra tasks" as opposed to the "Eye contact" as, unfortunately, people looking at you isn't an arrestable offense.

Seriously, if you're not comfortable with it, then don't do the tasks. I would avoid "the talk" as that is likely to get you thrown out, even regardless of whether or not he ACTUALLY has a crush on you.

I've decided to drop the administrative tasks..taking them on in the first place was a bad decision since I didn't follow my gut feeling about it.

Restless, there is a fine line between making a point, and making an enemy. Others have suggested that you come straight to the point with your instructor. IMO this may be too much. Your instructor will be embarressed (he should be embarressed), and offended by this, and may turn hostile towards you. You've made it clear that you desire to continue instruction there, so I'd make more subtle suggestions to begin with. You can always have "the talk" at a later date, if his behavior continues. Maintain your space as eyrie suggested, reduce your eye contact with him. If you have a opportunity to face different portions of the dojo, make sure you face away from him. He has fogotten his place, your unfortunate job is to remind him of his professional duty and his duty towards his wife. Try to maintain very formal interactions with him. Don't try to be nice, too many clueless guys think that this means "yes". If he trys to start personal conversations, ask about his family, "how is your wife?", etc., this will let him know that you are very aware of his married status, and that he should be too. You may be able to mention it to the assistant instructor, a simple comment from them to the instructor like "why are you always drooling over Restless during class?" would likely remind him that his behavior is unprofessional. Mention a boyfriend (real or not) where the instructor can overhear. Show off a new piece of jewelry from a boyfriend to someone before or after class, where he is likely to see. Show him that your attention is directed elsewhere.

If the guy has half a brain, and any morals at all, he should backdown, without hurting your instructor-student relationship.

Good luck. - CoO

I agree with Circle of Owls. This situation can be touchy. Unfortunately I know all to well this situation. We have an instructor trainee who is unmarried but thinks that more then a few females in our class have the hots for him and it just so happens that I have a meeting with our head instructor today to discuss this problem. Good luck and I am sorry that you have to go through something like this.

I also second Circle of Owls. Maintaining a very "professional" relationship with this instructor, and politely but firmly letting him know that any other sort of attention is unwanted should help.

I also agree with Circle of Owls. There are ways you can get your point across discreetly but successfully. Some options: Have a male buddy pick you up after class a couple times and have him show up a few minutes before class is over to wait for you. Or, if the instructor starts up a conversation after class, suddenly realize your late for your date, and that your boyfriend will be upset. Let him overhear you and a classmate talk about how you dumped a jerk that you found out was married. Asking about the wife is also great 'redirecting'. The key is to let him know that you're not available to him, and there's many ways to do it without yelling 'back off'. :-)

I understand that this is a perplexing subject for you and you're perfectly correct about this guy being unprofessional. In your place I'd feel uncomfortable too.

That said, my advice would be leave the Dojo. No amount of good teaching is worth the hassle that personal problems in the Dojo can bring. I strictly follow the rule of keeping personal matters outside of the Dojo. (Even though I'm single and train with plenty of attractive women) The reason is that it degrades the standard of teaching not only for yourself but also for the other people in the class. In which case, the teaching is most likely not going to be very good anyway.

I know you shouldn't have to temporarily stop an MA because of someone else but this isn't a perfect world and these things happen whether we like it or not. You'll likely have the chance to study the MA again in the future or you may even find another weapon MA that better suits your taste.

Of course, it's up to you and if you don't really want to solve the problem (i.e. leave the Dojo), make sure you inform everyone here so we don't all fret over your plight.

Leo--I have to disagree on that.

Your logic says that when a woman is pressured or harrassed by a married man, she is the one that needs to back away and give up. Notice any problems with that?

If Restless wants to train, she should have the option to train as long as she's willing to get her point across. By all means, she should not go along with him or do anything to encourage him, and make it clear that she's not interested or available. But why should she have to leave just because the instructor is overstepping his boundaries?

Restless,

Another idea--

If the class is a self defense class, you can 'innocently' ask your instructor about verbal defense, and how to deal with unwanted attention. That should get the point across pretty well. ;-)

Gag. This thread is 'restless'. Nothing personal Mich...but if this 'restless' never comes back and decently puts this thread to rest...I am going to have to think of something devious to kill it.

let me help you Harlan....

Let it go people, this thread about some girl and her instructor having a crush, has received more attention then threads like, "I am dying, what can I do?"

I m sure that she can handle herself, and if a married guy is willing to cheat for her, it is also safe to assume that she is also presentable and therefore has friends to help her with her personal life.

Unless this instructor has behaved improperly towards you I don't see a problem.

The only things you have mentioned is lots of eye contact and getting you to do admin tasks. Don't do the admin tasks if you don't want to. Eye contact won't kill you.

People have crushes on other people all the time. Unless there is inappropriate comments or touching, I don't see the big deal.
Sharon

I think there has been some good advice on here. I going to give you some advice as a guy that may have acted like this in the past (please forgive me.) I was always sensitive to the messages sent by the other person. A few cold shoulders, no extra conversation, no extended eye contact, etc. Make sure he knows you are NOT interested. If this does not work then slowly progress to the other comments that might shame him a little. Comments about his wife, your boyfriend, if he's older make a little joke about his age (ego thing), etc. If he doesn't get the message early on then you could confront him and say, look I'm flattered but I'm not interested, I'm here only to take martial arts. If you bring in others and he still doesn't give up then I think you will probably have to find another school. Most guys that have any sense no when to give up. I've been on the wrong side of this myself but I know when to stop, if he doesn't then he has a real problem.

someone please lock this lonely-hearts/ agony-aunt thread! It is now safe to say that people over the age of 18 are old enough to deal with their own relation problems.

Hello Restless:

Did this problem resolve itself?

J

You could try eating lots of garlic and also loads of beans and sprouts. Letting rip with a loud fart right in-front of a guy usually changes his amorous ideas.

I am sure Restless has dealt with the issue by now...one way or another. Perhaps this wayward thread is a good candidate for gracefully closing?

Moderators?