Chilli Lovers

For those Cilli Lovers in the Energy Section.
(With apologies to the moderator for the bad language)

Chilli Cook-offs:

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third is even better.

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doorsbecause, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes -- From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East
Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flamesout. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not
much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and Ican no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, andgarlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Enjoy!

Funny stuff, JohnL!! I loved it!

One of my Grandmasters makes a salsa that could fit into this contest. They should make it part of the Black Belt test in our style! I made the mistake of tasting a bit of the stuff on a piece of bread, (stupidly forgetting that bread ABSORBS MORE LIQUID than chips do) and nearly couldn't talk for several hours...

ROFLMAO

I read this about 2 yrs ago... I laughed hard then... I laughed even harder today... excellent post LOL

Raul

My husband cooks the best chilli outside mexico.

Unfortunately I seem to have developed some sort of stomach disorder and am currently forced to stick to bland food, with little meat or dairy.

Your post made my mouth and my eyes water John [IMG]http://www.fightingarts.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif[/IMG]
Sharon

Saying "best chili outside of mexico" means nothing, it is equivalent of saying they have damn good drinking water. Any inteligent person knows the best chili(or anything for that matter) is found in Texas.
[IMG]http://www.fightingarts.com/forums/ubb/tongue.gif[/IMG]

Nice story, coworker looked at me like I was insane-possibly due to fits of laughter when I hit Frank's scorecard note.

Nice one John! [IMG]http://www.fightingarts.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif[/IMG]

i love chili... but what does that have to do with the energy section?

WHAT DOES FOOD HAVE TO DO WITH MARTIAL ARTS! you should stop wasting our time with stupid food stories unless they involve martial arts even read the "forum:martial arts tales & stories" part ITS NOT ABOUT FOOD!

Sounds like this chilli was fairly lethal. Perhaps it could be developed into a fighting style? A strange art, focused around inserting spicy foodstuffs into your opponent's mouth and watching them howl in pain.

hmmm most martial arts involve USING YOUR FEET AND HANDS AND WEAPONS NOT VERY SPICY FOOD STUFFS!

I made some incredibly spicy chilli yesterday, I got some red savina habanero peppers from mexico. All of my friends were on the ground in tears from the spice, I was the only one able to withstand the heat. Eventually we finished it but my mouth burned for hours.

praymantis striker32
"WHAT DOES FOOD HAVE TO DO WITH MARTIAL ARTS!"

Food is very important for martial arts. A proper diet is chalk full of nutrition and proteins which allow you to grow stronger.

[This message has been edited by youngbjj (edited 09-06-2004).]

i know that but a story about a chilli competition thats not the important part here! its not about martial arts its off topic

[QUOTE]Originally posted by praymantis striker32:
i know that but a story about a chilli competition thats not the important part here! its not about martial arts its off topic[/QUOTE]

STFU moron! It was an amusing story. Everyone else liked it, if it bothered you so much why did you read it all and then post......twice.

YOU SHUT THE **** UP YOU F ING MORON IF IT AINT ABOUT MARTIAL ARTS IT SHULDNT BE HERE EVEN ASK MR V! and kempoman its off topic

PreyingMantis,

The martial artist is a complete being, and yes food has a great deal to do with the arts.

How we eat does determine who we are.

The arts are not solitary ones, they're people skills, and training is more than just on the floor, how we interact with each other is a big part of the training. Oftimes much skill is imparted from a Senior in sharing movments over a meal after class or clinic.

Probably less than 10% of our abilites is what we use on the training floor.

And interaction with MA's from Korea, China and Indonesia I could add many stories about being personally challenged to eat what they eat, dipping into the spice.

Of course your course language bespeaks less than a focused mind, just a hot tounge.

Perhaps you've been dipping into the chili yourself.

The world of the martial arts is wider than it seems.

Victor Smith
bushi no te isshinryu

O'yeah,

I'm the moderator here and I determine what is on or off topic.

Victor

may i point out i eat alot of junk food and i fare well in combat dont cha know

[QUOTE]Originally posted by praymantis striker32:
may i point out i eat alot of junk food and i fare well in combat dont cha know[/QUOTE]

Your probaly just a little kid and know nothing about "combat". When I was a little boy I could eat anything and was very athletic, but just wait until you hit your late teens, early twenties, you will find out that the old saying, "you are what you eat" is actually true. It will catch up to you eventually. I enjoyed the story, all you need is a sense of humor [IMG]http://www.fightingarts.com/forums/ubb/wink.gif[/IMG]

i do know about combat its where 2 people duke it out duh i know this stuff im an intelligent fighter plus for they guy who said foods a important part of martial arts THEN WHY SHOULDNT HE PUT THIS IN THE HEALTH AND NUTRITION SECTION!

My dear preying mantis (by the way an interesting species where the female consumes the male after mating if I remember correctly) so if you c** you end up going anyhow),

This is a story discussion group.

Food stories are as welcome as the ones where leges are mangled.

In fact under the right conditions, really hot chili is a martial practice, killing your opponent with their food.

Pleasantly,

Victor Smith
bushi no te isshinryu

BTW, you'll note I am who I am.

dont that sorta fall into the ninja section or martial arts moves poisoning their food?